Promoting Some Basic Ideas
In this section we provide you with some basic ideas of how to deal with and
help you resolve, psychological and emotional problems that you may be having.
Pantomime:
Pantomime is an illustration of how Drama can help
you identify roles that we can play within different relationships. I have
provided some particular examples but you can well draw on many personal
illustrations from Drama, Films and TV programs you have viewed. These often
reflect many experiences in life and can help us identify how we see ourselves, others
and how others may see us (or, perhaps, how we think that they see us).
This does not mean that roles you observe are you and
these others in your life, but they can give a good idea of how you 'see' yourself
and others and how they may see you. That is a good basis to start understand
where you are coming from. You can then use other drama roles and
scenarios to give a sense of where you want to go to. It is even possible to
'model' on some character, building you own persona around the character,
incorporating and making it yours I would hope that you choose the 'positive'
features of the character.
Drama, Poetry/Song and Literature have a powerful
influenced upon culture and in its turn, culture has a reciprocal effect upon
Drama, Poetry/Song and Literature. There can be strong influences both ways. The
roles played out can be cathartic, healing, therapeutic, educational,
illustrative, role models, propaganda, social challenges to how we are and warnings of
personal and social dangers. Its is what we do with the insights that determines
the outcome of this persistent resource of approachable characters, or role
models.
In the privacy of your own home and thoughts, it may be
possible to acknowledge things that you find difficult to express to others, even
with their and your own, best of intentions. Here you can get to test out
ideas and techniques in private, anonymously request further information, in response to
any difficulties you find, and then adjust what your perspective on that basis. You can
be confidence that other people, on mass, mentally play with these characters and
scenarios that are depicted.
Once you get some confidence you may feel more inclined to
seek help from others and have some better idea of what you want from them. This
is what we describe as 'empowerment'. The relationship becomes more equal. Get a
better knowledge of yourself and what you want to achieve, then the dialogue with
professionals can be more
equal. The relationship with your counsellor, therapist, or support worker, etc.,
can be recognised as a legitimate role that takes up only part of your life,
even if, hopefully, an important one.
Guided Fantasy:
Guided fantasies are precisely what you may expect. They are waking dreams,
using the creative side of ourselves to reflect upon positive experiences we
have had and incorporating them into a mental and emotional journey. They can
serve many purposes but the main benefits can be their use in physical and
mental relaxing, distracting from distressing thoughts, cultivating positive
thoughts and raising mood.
With practiced use, some personal variation and in tandem with other
techniques, they can be used to overcome inhibitions, face our fears and
phobias, advance our personal confidence, improve our self image, cultivate our
style of social interaction and to develop our personality. They can be a good
method for testing out new roles and situations that we expect to have to face
at some point: interviews, getting married, getting divorced, facing the
magistrate and doing an exam. We can practice how we may respond to different
situations that may arise.
We need to be aware of our natural and irrational fears when we engage in
this process. To start with you will best to avoid daydreaming about situations
that have a fearful, or have an otherwise stimulating element. If you can start
off by 'letting go' of thoughts and feelings all to the good. If you find this
difficult then a simple physical exercise can help as a precursor. Light
physical exercise can actually make you feel better on its own. If it is
purposeful, then all the better.
The initial stage of the relaxation process can then usefully begin with the
tensioning and relaxation of muscles throughout the various parts of the body,
working up the arms and legs and progressing throughout your body and eventually up
through the face and out the top of your head. This is a physical process but it
should also be the mental process of taking the tensions and fears up and out of
your body as you do the physical exercise. The tensioning and then releasing
experience gives you the contrast, which helps you identify the more relaxed
state.
If you feel you have left something, some tension, or discomfort behind, go
back to that point and start that part of the process again. Make a note of
where you tend to get stuck and come back to this later. You can then think
about why this may have happened. It may be a physical thing, or an emotional
thing. If we think about why something has happened, then sometimes the idea
pops into our head and we feel confident that we have identified the nature of
the problem.
In the privacy of your own thoughts it may be possible to
acknowledge things that may be difficult to tell others. Here you can get
to test out techniques on your own and then anonymously request further
information, in response to any difficulties you find, adjusting what you then
do. Once you get some confidence you may feel more inclined to get help from
others, perhaps within a group, and have some better idea of what you want from
the support you ask for.
This is what we describe as 'empowerment'. The
relationship becomes more equal. If you get a better, wider knowledge of
yourself and the techniques, then the dialogue with others can be more equal. The relationship with
you counsellor, therapist, support worker, group worker, etc., can be recognised as a
legitimate role that takes up only part of your life, even if (hopefully) an
important one. Try the suggested exercises out, perhaps with a partner or friend
who thinks like yourself. By doing so you then have informed choice.
Cognitive Therapy:
How we become affected by simple learned
associations:
How we feel about ourselves is largely determined by our
experiences but we often mentally perpetuate our bad experiences and this may
reflected in how we 'feel' about ourselves. We are not always aware of this
and sometimes others are not either. The start point may have been in the
distant past, as a small child, but it may also be from some important event, or
relationship, more recently. Strangely enough, it can also be partially due to
the jokes that friends make about us, especially those we perpetuate for
ourselves.
As a child, parents sometimes have the habit of picking up
on some trait that we have and repeatedly referring to it. This can a 'fun'
thing, or a resentment, a jealousy, or just a projection on the parent's part.
This did not have to be conscious, or malicious and you may have even enjoyed
the comments in some way, at the time. These are often presented as a joke, at least in part.
Friends and relations may also join in. If the relationships are generally
constructive this will do little harm and may help 'harden us off' to the more
spiteful comments.
However, once we have become sensitised in this way
we may later encounter 'bullying' by others and the same traits may be picked
upon in a more negative, or destructive way. These 'negative' comments could
even have been laughed off, but the underlying comments and destructive
behaviours may still have a demeaning effect on how we feel about and see
ourselves. This inclination differs from individual to individual, according to
their underlying, otherwise 'positive' traits and previous negative experiences.
Everyone is susceptible at some level though, although the outcomes may be quite
different.
Sometimes the obviously vindictive things are more apparent and
we can more easily identify and tackle them when we get older. It is the subtle
things that sometimes give us the greatest difficulty, especially if we learned
to laugh about them, as part of the childhood joke. Laughing off some character,
or feature can be a good thing, of course, but it can, non-the-less, also
incorporate negative feeling about ourselves. This is how negative images of
ourselves and defensive responses to events and circumstances can arise.
You may not even have understood the meanings at the time, but picked up on
the 'feeling' towards you, and this became associated with some words (or other
expressions, or behaviour) used. The association between the feeling and the
words, facial expressions (or any other non-verbal behaviour) is learned through
this repetition. Your behaviour will in turn be affected and peoples subsequent
responses to your behaviour can reinforce the established simple 'association' of words,
thoughts, expressions and feelings.
Some of these associations can become quite
unconscious, a bit like hypnotic suggestion. You may have seen a hypnotist
entertainers at work. It is also possible that the words, expressions
and superficial feelings (humour, etc.) feel quite positive but there can also
be some sad, negative feelings underneath, that you have become less conscious
of. Stronger negative feelings may pop up from time to time. You should look out for them
and seek to change the learned associations to your future benefit.
Sometimes these associations of feeling, words and
behaviour are so strong that they affect our emotional responses and behaviour
to great personal disadvantage. Again, this can happen by a subtle process
and we may have become unaware of our responses and the effect of these on others
people's behaviour towards us. Our behaviour may be seen and/or felt as fearful, aggressive, shy,
defensive, paranoid, or obsessive. Often our reaction is misunderstood,
causing us even greater distress, and reinforcing the problem.
You may find that people describe you as over-sensitive
and you may feel defensive about this. In fact 'sensitised' is a better
word for understanding what they may be saying, in their inexpert way. In the
same way you can be frightened of spiders, or mice, you can become frightened of
words and the expression of feelings, yours, or others. From previous, often
early negative experiences, you may have learned to stand up against 'any'
criticism, or even react badly to quite positive comments.
These automatic reactions often start as an 'emergency
response',
which gets perpetuated and then laid down as a habit, an automatic response to feeling hurt and
undermined in some way, whatever the intention of others. Any comment that has
any feature of the earlier negative criticism, is taken as negative and we have
learned to respond defensively and sometimes apparently aggressively to peoples comments
and natural responses to us. In essence, it is often a miss communication.
You may even find yourself feeling hurt by what was meant
to be constructive criticism, where someone has identified that you respond
negatively towards their attempts to help you. This is again the consequence of
learning in early childhood, or at other critical times of changes in your life.
It may be that you did have a 'learned' trait that irritated, or upset others
but someone important in you life pointed this out in negative, or destructive ways. This
how we get to develop generalised defensive responses which work against us.
If what you are doing is not giving you what you want
(without some serious consequences), then here is a chance to change it. If what
others are doing and saying is affecting how you feel, here is a chance to check
out what bits may be true and what bits are their problem. Be kind to yourself
and seek, through this process to understand why you feel and respond the way
your do. There is usually some subtle learning in the past that started this all
off.
The Therapy itself:
Cognitive Therapy is a relatively simple technique that
allows us to become more aware of the negative feelings that we have, and their
association with words, expressions, non-verbal behaviour and specific kinds of
events and encounters. Feelings can become associated with just about any other
kind of experience, including simple observations, or sightings. This therapy is
a means to identify and change these feelings and associations.
Cognitive Therapy is a structured process whereby we are
able to first make these associations more conscious and thereby get to understand them
better. As I describe else where, it is a bit like doing an advanced driving
course. Here we become aware of bad habits we have picked up and then think
through our actions until a new, more safe, or effective pattern is established.
Sometimes we may even get someone else (an instructor) to point our errors out
and advise a different approach to the tasks.
Once we have established a new pattern of responses and
gained more positive 'feelings' in respect our own and others actions, we can
pretty well 'forget' what we are doing once more and let out new intuition take
over. Where the association between words, thoughts and feeling are simple, this
can be resolved quite quickly and can even help with simple phobias. It is a
method for stopping 'automatic', negative responses and feelings and
replacing them with positive and usually more accurate and beneficial ones.
In the privacy of your own home and thoughts it may be
possible to acknowledge things that may be difficult to express to others, even
with their best of intentions. Here you can get to test out ideas and techniques
on your own and anonymously request further information, in response to any
difficulties you encounter and adjusting what you do on that basis. Once you get
some confidence you may feel more inclined to get help from others and have a
better idea of what you want from them. This is what we describe as
'empowerment'. The relationship becomes more equal.
What is described in this section is the technique and the
'props' needed, to make this work to your benefit. There is no reason why you should not
undertake these exercises in combination with other techniques; like guided
fantasy, or role play. It is important to do all the suggested actions and
consistently record your observations and feelings. It is only by doing this
that you will get a real sense of achieving a positive benefit. You need to have
some faith in the process and some clear outcome that you wish to achieve;
feeling and responding better to experiences you encounter.
Role Play & Psychodrama:
Role play does require at least one other person to work well. You can,
however, play out a role with others, who you do not know you so well. I am
not suggesting that you be dishonest here. It may be that you can plan to act
out a role that you have always fancied doing, or being. Provided you are
behaving in an honest way there is no reason that you can not present as a more
confident, or knowledgeable person. You may choose to present as shy, when you
are confident, or confident when you are naturally shy.
Reversing you role, or 'mask', can help you get some sense of how others (who
do not know you) will react to you differently. One classic role reversal is to
play a bit inexperienced and uncertain, when you are actually quite clever at
something. Another role is to play the tourist in a town which you know quite
well. This gives you the opportunity to engage with people in order to get
directions. It is a useful way to gain confidence with strangers and is
relatively safe, as you will know when they are trying to trick you.
You are best to identify a constructive purpose in undertaking a role play
and to do so in a way which you can 'carry off'. Then think of a role that will
enable you to learn something new, or gain more confidence. If you play the role
in a situation that is not too important to you, this will be good practice for
engaging in a similar activity that is more critical, or important to you. You
can even go to the extent where you apply for jobs that you do not want, in
order to gain confidence in applying for and going to interviews that you really
want.
Again, this is a creative process that allows you to gain insight
and new perspectives, into yourself, others and new situations. There is no
reason why a role play can't be 'real' in some way, but in situations that are
less threatening, or less important to you than the ones you are planning to
engage later. For instance; If you are shy, or inexperienced at engaging people,
you could go to a bar, restaurant, cafe, or theatre on your own, with the
expressed intention to just enjoy your own company, reading a book, or seeing the
sights.
If you do this, with no expectations other than this, you can
gradually become comfortable with your own company. This takes the pressure off
of you and, eventually, in your more relaxed state, you will find that people
will engage in conversations with you. This may start with just asking the way,
or for the time but could develop into a real conversation. Once you have gained
this confidence, you can include, in the role play, the intention to ask
directions, or for the time, or any other mild excuse to make social contact.
It is important though, to genuinely start with the minimum of
expectations, and pretend to be someone who you are not quite like; but which
may be a facet of you that you would like to express. In this way you remove
some of the fear and add a safe challenge to how you usually present yourself.
In doing this you are extending normal role play towards a technique called
psychodrama. Psychodrama does need other 'actors' to work properly but there can
be blends of technique. There is no reason that you have to be 'purist' about
this. It should be fun and beneficial. You could also do this with a friend.
Psychodrama proper needs to be done with other 'actors' who know
the 'game'. Otherwise this would be dishonest. The objective here is to play out
a role with strong, or exaggerated feelings and thoughts that are not typical of
you, or are quite alien to you. In doing this, to this extent, it is important
that the others, with whom you engage, understand what you are doing and know
the 'rules' that you are playing by. It is also important to have a 'referee' in
the form of an uninvolved group leader, who can intervene if things get too
'real', which they can.
I have used this technique in a common social situations, where a
group play out a scene as real people in a real situation but with a directed
purpose, drawing other people into the drama. We would usually start a heated
debate among ourselves, on a 'hot' topic and entice people in by asking their
opinions. We gradually brining them into the group and then entice other to join
in the debate, trying to see if we can get nearly everyone in the area involved.
It is a great way to get social confidence, with fun and for a constructive
purpose.
There is no problems playing the role of someone who is well off
and dressing up for the occasion, perhaps going to an expensive restaurant for a
light meal, or staying in a posh hotel for one night. If you are not entirely
satisfied with something, try making a gentle complaint, especially if this is
something you would not normally do. It is fun if you do this with someone but
it can be a real experience to do it on your own. It is not deceitful to do
this, as it is not done with the intention of defrauding, or duping anyone.
People here are paid to serve you, however you wish present to them, provided it
is not excessively rude.
In some ways this is how we gradually advance ourselves anyway, but perhaps
in smaller steps. You should change your presentation a little but still keep it
true to yourself. Stretch the role a little each time you practice. If the
role-play has a particular benefit in improving confidence and adjusting how you
see yourself then you can develop the role to make it yours. Contrary to popular
thinking, we do learn beyond 25 and we can significantly change, one step at a
time. There are lots of other possibilities that are suggested in the Role Play
section (to the left) but feel free to extend these and report back to us.
What is described in this section is the technique and
some of the
'props' needed, to make this work to your benefit. There is no reason why you should not
undertake these exercises in combination with other techniques; like guided
fantasy and cognitive therapy . It is important to make moderate role changes and
consistently record your observations and feelings. It is only by doing this
that you will get a real sense of achieving a positive benefit. You need to have
some faith in the process and some clear outcome that you wish to achieve;
feeling and responding better to the new experiences you encounter.
Co-counselling:
Co-counselling is a technique that has been used in Professional Groups,
Therapeutic Communities and other organised group situations. As with formal
counselling, there are some
important things to watch out for. Given this, it can be a good way to get friends and
colleagues to support each other. Formalising the arrangement a little helps to
avoid falling into the trap of projecting our wishes and beliefs onto each
other, or making summary judgments. It takes a
bit of practice and it is good to write down the rules and review them
regularly. Some will find this more natural than others but practice and
feedback will help, along with some basic training, if you feel it will help.
As friends and colleagues, we operate by a loose set of unspoken rules and
social conventions. These enable us to engage with each other in ways that are,
hopefully, mutually beneficial to us. There are usually some taboo areas that
are avoided and there are expectations we have of each other, either to do our
work, or to enjoy our social lives. From time to time we (individually and
sometimes collectively), meet difficult problems where these relationships can
be put under strain, or for which the usual relationship arrangement are not
secure enough, or adequate.
Co-counselling is a method for 'contracting' to support each other trough a
difficult problem, issue or time. The 'contract' is for each to agree to
listen to the other, to be there for each other, to try and avoid judging each other and to offer
alternative suggestions rather than giving advice. It is our natural inclination to give advice and
this is sometimes quite appropriate. Advice, however, can sometimes be misplaced and
misunderstood, so, for the sake of friendship, it should be avoided when there
are particularly strong pressures and significant distress. Suggesting
alternatives is better.
Co-counselling is one of these special situations and it can be a way of
helping each other, while continuing to take ultimate responsibility for our own
decisions. This is the bit that is most important. Without this agreement there
is often problems about who's responsibility it was for the outcomes of advice,
etc. This then can have a damaging effect upon the relationship in general and
is often not much help to the person who has a problem to resolve. You may have
found yourself in the situation where you fall out with family, or friends, when
you have tried to be reasonable and helpful to them. It is usually simple errors
that cause this massive effect.
It is quite natural, when people are in distress, to become slightly self
centred and defensive. Feelings of frustration, disappointment, guilt and anger
can get 'projected' onto those close to them. Often people feel helpless and
negative when in trauma and distress. Guilt and anger are not uncommon in
distressing situations. The feelings of guilt are often misplaced and the
feelings of anger get projected onto the rest of us, because the real
focus of the anger is not available to us. Co-counselling arrangements can help
protect the helper side of the relationship, in these situations.
Counselling is actually quite a natural skill that we can developed through
trial-and-error experience and through the bits of advice from those who have
made the mistakes already. Some people are naturally more disposed to it, but
this is how most advanced social skills are developed. They are rarely invented,
but are mostly discovered. Like gravity, they were there already, tangled up
with our own stuff. Formal research can pull out the essence of these skills and
describe them logically, but to be useful they have to be put back in with our
general social skills and made human again, or else they are often rejected. The
most important skill is knowing when not to say something, or not to
say anything.
Another important guideline is; to agree to say 'what we feel' the
person is saying, or doing, rather than being accusative; i.e. telling
them what they are doing. This issue needs to be carefully considered
from both sides, so the rule is very important. Not only do we need to be
careful to express what we feel is happening, it is also necessary to hear
what is being said in terms of how the other person feels you are being.
Telling the person the impression you get rather than telling them what they are
doing, can be more useful to them. This
way we can also try and avoid feeling and being 'judged' by each other.
The information imparted in this form of support is important. People need
suggestions and feedback on the problems and feelings they are dealing with. We
have to try to ensure that the communication represents the true 'meaning' and
the 'effects' of the shared information, on each person. We need to avoid
having, or assuming, there are any negative, or controlling intentions. If there
is an intention to 'tell', 'hurt', or 'misguide' someone, or inclination on the
listener to seek out the criticisms, then there is no protection within the
relationship and the technique will definitely fail.
There needs to be a good basis for trust and a constructive purpose. There
also needs to be some kind equality in this relationship. A relationship where
both have the same status, but are at liberty to reverse and change roles by
mutual agreement, provides the best basis for co-counselling (or any counselling
for that matter). The relationship needs to be forgiving, because it is very
likely that mistakes will be made. With practice, a simple acknowledgement that
the other person 'feels' aggrieved is usually enough. The general rule is to
help the other person help themselves, without judging them.
I have said, here and else where, that most people who have the ability to
develop sound basic social skills are capable of refining these for the purpose
of helping others. It is within general human nature to cooperate in supportive
ways, but some of us are more disposed to helping than others. This is
partly due to our genetic make up and partly to do with the accidents of our
experience and partly due to social and interpersonal politics. This basic
disposition is essential, the ability to learn technique is all very good but it
has little significance and little long term effect, unless there is a basic
caring disposition.
This is what we understand of Doctors 'bedside manner' and the 'placebo
effect', and possibly 'spiritual, or self healing'. If we attend to
someone in supportive, non-judgmental, caring manner, empathetic without making
the person dependent, there is a therapeutic effect in spite of any clinical
treatment, or formal therapy. This effect has been well known by enlightened
people and has been evident in many cultures, over centuries. It is the effect
that is obtained by engaging without fear, or prejudice, having faith and trust
in the process and the person's ability to respond appropriately in their own
time scale. The belief systems differ but the effects remain essentially the
same.
This means that just being there with the person, while they express
themselves in words and actions, showing mild acknowledgment of what they have
to say, feeling comfortable with silences and responding minimally, honestly,
without judgment, while attending to their basic needs, has a substantial
beneficial effect in itself. Having a positive disposition and confidence in the
process, is conveyed in your disposition and the person will tend to 'mirror'
your confidence and trust. This then opens the gate for further therapeutic
effect, including the beneficial effects of drugs and formal talking treatments.
What is described in this section is the technique and
some of the
'rules' needed, to make this work to your mutual benefit. There is no reason why
you should not undertake this exercise in combination with other techniques; like guided
fantasy and cognitive therapy. It is important to review your rules and progress
and record your observations and feelings. It is only by doing this
that you will get a real sense of achieving a positive benefit. You need to have
some faith in the process and some clear outcome that you wish to achieve;
feeling and responding better to the new experiences you encounter.
|
|
