Surviving Abuse and Winning Through.
Again, lets deal with the most
important points first:
This introduction is for the person who is visiting the
website because of a
dramatic personal experience, or series of events, that has happened to
them, or someone close to them, which in some way has had a stunning &
traumatic effect upon them. We will be dealing with
problematic relationship issues & abuses, because of their particular
urgency, but will also address the 'institutional' responses to our
problems, difficulties, concerns, complaints and our
disclosures
of bad, or poor conduct.
Additional
links, dealing with other
personal problems
you may be experiencing, will be highlighted in 'Yellow', in the text
you are reading. It is not unusual to find that one personal problem
generates, or magnifies another. You may well be dealing with a number
of personal difficulties at one time. In consideration of this we have 'cross
linking', which allows you to have more than one 'window' open, each on
a separate subject. Any window can then take you back to the main page;
'HOME'.
The problem you are
struggling with
may be a single incident, or a sudden realisation of persistent
behaviour of someone important to you (or them) in some way. Perhaps
someone who has
abused trust
and behaved against your own, or another person's wishes & interests. It may be to do with
issues of 'Loss';
feelings concerning
death, a
particular
bereavement of
someone important,
separation
from someone you care about, a
divorce or formal separation.
It may be to do with how you 'feel' that you have been treated by an
individual professional, organisation, or an entire community / society.
Distress
can be the consequence of
Loss of a job,
marriage,
home,
innocence,
trust,
faith,
hope.
It can be due to
illness, an
accident
and disability,
problematic birth,
disabled child, a
pre-birth bereavement,
termination, or
other important
loss in life.
It may be because of a single,
dramatic event,
involving someone you know, or a complete stranger, which has put you
into a state of
shock,
distress,
confusion, or
anger. Perhaps
your are at a loss to know what to do?
Note:
In the following
conversation, I use the term . . . Ditto, to indicate where you fill in
your own details of the experiences we are describing. I am not being
flippant and mean no disrespect. It is your story that is important. I
just provide an outline to help you get it down. Doing this is
therapeutic (cathartic / healing). Don't worry about the words, go with
the feelings, the right words will come eventually.
If you are failing to go to
the authorities at this point, but believe you have been assaulted, it
is very important that you write facts down (or get someone to help with
this) and share how you are feeling with someone you completely trust.
This will be someone, if you can find them, who will not judge you, even
in your mistakes, or advise you to do anything other than guide you to
find out what you want to do and how you wish to do it.
Be patient with them - they
come from their own experiences, they will try to understand. They will
almost certainly say they 'known how you feel'. They don't, of course,
but it is the closest they can get to 'feeling for you'. They will,
however, have had experiences close to those that you have had. It is
not as rare as it appears. Many others are fearful of speaking up. The
Law only really protects its own arse in the end.
If you are still here and
you are not a professional, family or professional carer, interested
member of the community, student, or predator, looking to improve their
knowledge, skills and understanding, I will assume you still have a
serious problem that you want it sorted out, but do not feel able to
progress with sorting it formally, just yet.
If you feel abused in some
way and do not feel that you have been sufficiently physically
assaulted, or have been seriously assaulted but do not have the
confidence to go through the process of reporting it to the police, or
social services, right now. Perhaps your relationships with the
authorities are poor, because of your previous contacts with them were
on the wrong side of them, or were just very negative experiences.
If you are in 'social
housing', or a family that is challenging to the community, have had
disagreements with the authorities in the past, for any reason; all
these things do affect the relationship and can affect the service you
get. It will affect how you feel about it. I understand that. It should
not be the case and we will deal with that in more detail at another
time. For now we have to deal with your problem; as it is.
Be aware, for instance, that
if you are 'righteously' angry with how you have been treated
this will firstly be used against you by the abusive person. Fingers
will point. Remember, the abuser is everyone else's friend. The effect
is to 'disempower' you. If you then get angry with the 'system' that you
approach, because they appear unable to help (in the early stages
particularly), you will sometimes get a similar reaction. Fingers will
point, remember they are 'helping people' who 'deserve it'.
The sense of 'righteous
anger' is not always understood, or appreciated, by people in authority,
who are in 'control' of their role, determine the rules and pass
judgment from their secure & relatively ignorant position. Some people
see themselves to be there to help 'pathetic' people. According to
convention you should be 'pathetic' and 'victimised' if you have been
persistently battered, or abused. That is very often why you have
delayed. You already know these people and institutions.
Prevention of a problem, by
early intervention & help, is difficult to prove as being beneficial in
the short term, or in an individual case. This is true of health care,
social care, community policing, education and housing, etc. It is
difficult to 'prove' the value of something that may not have got any
worse, if left to itself. It may even get better of its own accord, this
can be true. It is also difficult for them to assess what problems will
sort themselves out on their own and which problems just will not.
It is easier, cheaper and
more charismatic (looks good) to sort out a big problem later on, once
it has produced a serious impact. This is justified by making 'big'
problems a high priority and and little, 'seeds' of a problem, a low
priority. They may be small in the eyes of others but often big to you,
of course. Some frustrated people get round this by giving the 'impression'
that a problems is bigger. Actually they are often just 'telling it as
it is' and feeling guilty about it, to boot.
Most people with 'real'
problems actually 'minimise' their problems and don't like to be a
nuisance (especially in UK). The problem is, the authorities are so
focused on looking out for people who abuse the system, they become
over-cautious and miss the point entirely. This all works against you
speaking up for yourself. You are not naturally pushy and if you did
'pile it on', you 'know' (or sense it anyway) that someone will suss you
out. It is a catch 22 kind of situation.
If you get knocked back
often enough, by those supposedly there to help, you will become
pathetic & therefore qualify eventually. What I am saying is; you are
right to be cautious. People will prejudicially see any anger &
frustration as aggression, not the manifestation of fear. You have
learned to distrust & are no longer confident that you will be
understood adequately. This fear is reasonable and appropriate. You are
learning.
If, on the other hand, your
anger is such that you contain it well and present in a cool and
calculated way, you may again be judged. This can be the consequence of
being pushed too far. Vengeance is sweet, they say, but the law is not
about vengeance. You may also say its not much about justice either.
That may also be true, especially in these days of political
correctness. It is about gaining protection though. Whether your
coolness is due to feelings of vengeance or not, It will appear 'low
priority', (unless you threaten to do something about it yourself).
Seek that protection that
the Law can offer, at least. Law and policing is there to stop us
'taking things into our own hands'. Reminding the authorities of this,
record your concerns with them, for your own and others safety,
asserting that you will do whatever is necessary to adequately protect
yourself and others, get the issue 'on the record' and they will then
seek to protect their own arses. When in Egypt; Think like and Egyptian.
Even if you feel that the
assault was not significant, the fact that you are still here suggests
that there is more to it. The psychological and emotional effects of
abuse are serious. They are like the drip drip drip of water torture, or
death by a thousand pinpricks. They are the types of behaviour that
underlay all serious mental health breakdowns, including; anxieties,
depressions, psychosis, schizophrenia, mania and alcohol & drug
problems. Not every one agrees with this but you will see substantial
evidence on this site. And there is much more to come.
Keep your sanity, loose your
fear (& the noose around you neck). There are problems with the
';system' but it is not all bad. Working in it can be frustrating &
disempowering. Hopefully you now 'understand' your fears and reluctance,
why you are angry and defensive, why you are reticent to take action.
Stop being your own judge and jury, or the other person's. You are most
likely the most forgiving person they are likely to meet.
Put the facts to the
authorities and dig your heals in. Don't back off; for your sake, your
children's sake, other peoples sake and for the sake of the person you
are complaining about. Abusive behaviour stops when we speak up and it
gives confidence to others to do the same. This is how change happens.
Stop the person now and they will not make further, more serious errors.
You will not cure them! You have tried your best.
Most of all, be aware that
there are 'Vulnerable Adult' teams in most police authorities these
days. There are even Vulnerable Adult Suits. If you 'feel' that you are
vulnerable, by virtue of an identified problem that you have, or, by
virtue of the fact that you have become distressed and disabled by your
experience, seeking to remain independent, but needing a more sensitive
approach, ask to be dealt with by these trained officers.
In my experience these teams
are exceptional and a real contrast to the SPG and the sadder end of the
beat bobby brigade. Most police officers are there for the best of
reasons, but they have to deal with some of the most distressing aspect
of our society. They will be affected. Others are just like the rest of
society, buying counterfeit videos, fiddling their expenses, beating up
on their wives and hounding and bullying some of their colleagues. You
will know when you get a good one now.
Not ready yet? I will now deal with this issue in the same way as I
would do if I was face to face with you. I have been there myself (more
than once), and have felt completely powerless & lacking in confidence.
Not quite believing what I was experiencing & observing. Not quite sure
if this was for real, or perhaps my fault, or due to a tendency to
overreact to situations.
Feeling completely humiliated and powerless. Thinking maybe the
situation is actually quite normal and I am just handling it badly, (as
I had frequently been told). In some ways, these abusive situations are
'normal'. Abuse of some kind, and some degree, can be found in a large
minority of families. Something, perhaps, we may see on TV, or films,
but don't quite associate with what is happening to us, till this
moment, when everything clicks into place and we know we have to do
something.
This can all happen in moments. You get out of a car after a bump. The
person approaches you with a smile on their face. You feel bad and
guilty. It may be either sides 'fault' and, as they get closer, they
become abusive, or just hit out at you. You can be walking in the park,
in the evening, or at night, and someone casually comes towards you,
unsuspecting, they suddenly confronts you for robbery, sex, or because
they don't like the way you look. Abuse & violence ensues. . . Ditto.
You are in shock and think, how can this happen.
You are at a party, or in a pub and get chatting. You are charmed and
flirted with. You may flirt back. You may tend to be quite a trusting
type, or just feeling relaxed because you are amongst people (that is
why you are there). The evening goes well and around the time you are
leaving, one of the people you have met, maybe the one you paid some
attention to, becomes overly pushy, out of character with how they had
been earlier. This may have happened before, in other circumstances and
it gets sorted. This time though, things go badly wrong . . . ditto.
More often, these dramatic experiences are with someone you know and may
have known for some little time. The charm and flirtation may extend
over days, weeks & months, even years. You are made to feel important,
special. It may apparently begin as 'innocent fun', but still remain in
keeping with your expectations. You may even have fantasies. You may
even willingly 'get into a relationship' with them. At some point it all
changes and you find yourself, step by step, like looking at the
situation from outside, powerless, undermined, humiliated, alone . . .
ditto.
If you have been thinking, at times, that you were entirely on your own
and that no one would believe you, because what is happening to you
seems so ridicules, embarrassing, even humiliating. It may be a family
member, or someone you chosen to get into a relationship with, before
you saw their true character. Feeling guilty that you could let it
happen to you, (or perhaps to someone else) without realising that what
was happening is not 'normal', or reasonable, but they
were very convincing.
Perhaps you were completely naive about the situation, until it was too
late. Feeling powerless to speak up because each time you do a
'controlling' person finds your weak spot & undermines you confidence.
You freeze in fear. The person's controlling behaviour may come and go
and you have doubts about your experiences of it (that is part of the
strategy). 'Other people like and trust them, why do I have doubts?'
Perhaps you even reacted
badly (in your eyes), at times, or in the end, and the person then gave
you a running commentary on how you did this to yourself. How you should
have made things clearer. Being told that no-one will believe you, that
you are being ridiculous. Perhaps there is name calling & 'put downs',
humiliating remarks in front of others, threats, 'mind games',
intimidation, verbal & physical aggression, destroying things you
cherish, abusive about your family, slapping, punching . . . ditto.
Perhaps some of these things
have been going on in a family, by parent, a relation, or a friend of
the family. Perhaps babysitter, child minder, in a 'care' organisation,
within a personal relationship, or even in a work situation, on a date,
or at a party. Your tendency to trust makes you particularly vulnerable
to these people. Perhaps these taunts and abuses are under the breath,
or hidden, with a smile towards others. They almost have certainly been
'politely' putting you down behind your back.
You want to continue to
trust, and you should. But, you are a target, whether male or female,
straight or gay, young or old. Abuse knows no boundaries from cradle to
grave. These people who do these things can be just ordinary folk, who
saw 'an opportunity', (perhaps drunk, or drugged up) & overstepped the
mark. It is part of their character, none the less. It may even be that
you bring the worst out in them by being who you are. You may have no
control over this.
Drinking, drugs & negative
experiences may bring this out in people and intimate relationships can
often challenge them to the point of 'triggering' abusive behaviour.
They fear the intimacy that you display and naturally expect of them. If
this is the case, you can not save them, believe me. You (and others)
are their crutch, they don't want saving while they have a crutch to
'lean on'. You stop them by removing the crutch.
The Natural Social Carer:
Your personality and
trusting nature is mainly positive and beneficial to you and others,
most of the time. It makes you want to help and to be forgiving. Thank
god for you being like that. Our 'social' upbringing leads to this
and it is usually seen as a positive trait. You should hold onto it. If
more people in the world had the courage to be like this there would be
less injustice and abuse.
Be aware, however, that
there are also those who have practised their manipulative and spiteful
craft & are fully aware of their skills & power. You are not
ready to take them on on their terms, but you do need to be a 'sheep in
wolves clothing' at times. I can only advise, get out and be sure;
another will suffer, if you do not speak up in some way.
Advice is of little value
though. You have to see this situation as it is and for what it is
yourself. You need to appreciate that you are worth more than others
value you, but mostly you are worth more than you value yourself. You
need to take back what is rightfully yours, your dignity and self worth.
It has been stolen from you, by this person and other bullying, abusive,
dishonest and manipulative people in the past. There are a few.
You should not really be too
surprised about what people are able to survive and learn to be better
and stronger people for it. We do not have to remain 'victims' and
'trophies' of other peoples need to have control and gain gratification
at the expense of others (rather than these experiences being 'shared'
with them). There are many stories of people surviving abuse and
persecution of this degree.
These stories may sound
grand compared with your story, but if these people were talking to you
right now they will tell you they were once just like you are at this
moment. Each experience in the 'story of persecuted peoples' is an
'individual story of personal abuse'. Like you are doing, they found the
will to survive, once they recognised the problem and decided to do
something about it, when the time was right.
The Natural Social Predator:
Not having developed these
natural, caring traits themselves, the natural predator watches and
learns, getting a fundamental understanding of how to present and act
out, as being 'caring & considerate'; how to fit in. That is why they
are so well accepted. Often the life and soul of the party but just a
bit too pushy for most peoples taste. The pretence of 'caring' takes the
edge off their pushiness, but it is different, if you pay attention to
it. Look out & reflect upon these subtleties. They are lessons hard
earned.
They also look out for the
small, barely perceptible vulnerabilities in the genuine caring,
considerate & forgiving person (children are naturally like this to
begin with). They get among the flock. They use their otherwise quite
healthy social skills to dupe and undermine others, weaken their
confidence, take control & manipulate. It is subtle, but on reflection
the signs are there that something is wrong about them:
Intention!
The perpetrator is often
someone who is liked by others and trusted, or just 'accepted' as dear
old so-and-so. They are often confident and may be quite charismatic,
sometime very much so, they are disinhibited in controlling ways. They
rarely look look like monsters, can be raggedly charming & butter won't
melt in their mouths. Sometimes they are aware of their trait from early
on, sometimes they are never aware of it and move from one abuse to
another, unthinking but confident.
They are sometimes in
conscious control of what they are doing, sometimes they have just
evolved that way and see it as their 'right' to manipulate others to
their selfish benefit and at serious mental and emotional cost to
others. If they do have some insight, they rarely admit it, except in
boasting to other abusers, or those embarrassed, or fearful to admonish
their abusive boasts.
40 years ago, I (and many
other survivors of abuse) warned of the relatively wide prevalence of
all these abuses, including sexual abuse. The initial reactions were
dismissive, even by professionals and managers of services. As people
gained confidence & disclosed, more & more others started to tell their
stories. Those same professional groups, who had dismissed our
assertions (of facts) then, raced to be seen as 'sexual abuse experts';
the more 'exciting' and 'fashionable' topic.
Many professionals then
messed up further, largely identified everything as sexual (Neo-Freudian
influence here), planting these ideas in the minds of the already
vulnerable, abused people and even the minds of 'perpetrators' of abuse
(Popularly called 'false memory syndrome'). In fact the waters are more
cloudy than this. Some were abused sexually, if subtly at times, but the
'story' was the therapists / social workers, not the person's. It also
served as a great opportunity for abusers to absolve themselves by
citing \abuse (as some may have 'incidentally' been).
This undermined the
credibility of 'self disclosure', by the real 'experts' on serious abuse
- the recovering and recovered 'abused'. It also distracted from the
equally important physical, emotional and psychological abuses (often
accompanying sexual abuse). The damage done is still with us, as are the
old attitudes.
Conspiracy Theories - Who
invented this Crap?:
It is all a 'conspiracy
theory', many ordinary people will say; having studied the newspapers;
listened to learned politicians and discussed it with their mates down
the pub, or in the supermarket. Professionals are a little more
cautious, having burned their professional fingers more than twice, but
many of them too, will privately suggest the problems are exaggerated.
Dismissing the 'emotional' arguments of people who have been abused as
being of the 'conspiratorial' and rather paranoid kind.
Very sensitive of the
professionals (some in mental health), not understanding the slight
level of paranoia that could be evident in someone who has been secretly
'screwed by a parent, family friend, or raped by a Professional, or paid
Carer. Even more 'paranoid' and perhaps a little 'manic', as a result of
being dismissed and possibly additionally abused, by the next
professional and then, treated for paranoia, or schizophrenia, by the
next (based upon multiple evidence).
No wonder some professionals
are a little defensive, including the police, who can be complicit in
abuse, or dismissive and neglectful when it has been disclosed and is
problematic to prove. Look, I am not having a go at all, individual
professionals, but you all know that the system is defensive, and
expends much of its resources, protecting the institutions & its
managers from 'litigation', in the name of protecting the individual.
You largely comply with this, sometimes against your better judgment.
Think about the expansive
Policy Documents that you magically have to know by heart, and the
extensive writing up you are required to do. I will just ask you this;
If you work with children, vulnerable adults, or the elderly. What
proportion of your time is taken up with paperwork and administration?
If it is less than 50% you are doing well. Otherwise you are some of the
best paid administrators in the service you provide. Has abuse reduced.
No. It has increased and is more sophisticated.
You do take your eyes off
the ball. You are distracted form seeing the person's problem in their
own terms. You do re-write the evidence they give, within prescriptive
formats, designed by the institution, geared to give the impressions of
covering everything in the institutions legal terms. You are
increasingly required to do this as a 'officer of the state', with
accountability to the institution and the Law, and less 'real' focus on
the needs, wishes and 'actual & normal risks' of the individual.
This is often the required
case, even where it is clearly against the interests of you client /
patient, as guided by your code of ethics. This, in turn will
increasingly, 'supposedly' protect the society at the expense of
individual liberty (especially, as more enlightened Managers' describe
it, if 'they' live in 'social housing'). Wake ups professionals, where
is this described in your social work, Nursing and Medical Theory, or
your Code of Ethics. Can you see where this is going?
Well, sexual abuse does have
a 'conspiracy' element, identified by international police forces, as
'Child Pornography' and 'Paedophile' networks, or rings. No surprise
then, ordinary people, as well as professionals, can be wrong.
The biggest problem, though, are the 'informal' networks & 'self
protecting' interests
of individual's, within undefined networks, individually and publically,
dismissing the problem as 'minimal', if not exceptional.
Survivor Networks
and Individual Survivors of abuse, didn't propose that there is a
'conspiracy'. Defensive professionals and the Abusers themselves coined
this 'conspiracy' idea, to 'dismiss and devalue the disclosures. Like in
the case of so many individually and collectively reported
injustices; slavery, genocide, commercially induced poverty &
environmental damage, and lots more. It is the defenders of poor
practices who invent the idea of a 'conspiracy theories'.
Acknowledgement of serious,
litigious, problems costs institutions and their insurers (where they
can get them). No self respecting, Executive Manager, seeking to make a
name for themselves and develop their career, in the
quasi-entrepreneurial development of people services, is going to 'risk'
the consequences of acknowledging that:
"There may be a bigger
problem than we realised, we are often culpable for shortfalls and
failings, staff have identified where this. We are not geared up to deal
with the problems, even if we understood them, so we have to be seen as
doing something instead - writing it down, adjusting services and needs
to 'fit' resources, and covering our backs, sticking our
heads in the sand and sticking arses in the air". Are they?
So, hopefully we have made
it clear. We don't collectively aspire to the 'conspiracy theory' idea,
you do. We aspire to the; "They are all stupidly and selfishly going
about their business, using the same old tried and tested ways that have
always got them what they want, and relying on the relative ignorance
and disbelief of ordinary people and trusting systems to keep them from
being found out as lacking moral fibre". The perpetrators of abuse copy
this & are doing the same kind of thing :-).
The rest of us more
intelligent observers, know it is in the nature of some people, and the
institutions they manage, to defend themselves in this way, without
necessarily a word having to be spoken between them. They sing from the
same hymn sheet and use the media subtly. They work on predictable
models of behaviour, well researched and in daily use by professionals.
Describing them as 'conspiracies' suggests more intelligence and
cooperative skills than most of them could muster.
The only time these people
really 'conspire' is when they get 'greedy' and seek to share and swap
information on their victims. What were loose collections of people in
the know, become identifiable as groups. This is their downfall. There
are still individuals doing their own thing in secret, or more openly
under the cover of social masks (working in the caring professions, or
being everybody's friend).
Conspiracy my arse, who
needs a special 'meeting' of conspirators, in what has always been a
largely abusive society with very 'defensive' and relatively ineffectual
institutions. Abusers could be doing any job and have any role in the
community, including my own. In fact, they often gravitate to powerful
positions. In the worst cases, their front is often impeccable in many
respects. They work hard to cover their real character, individually,
not by discussing it.
The conspiracy argument is a
bad joke; used by those who carry a measure of the guilt, or fear, of
active participation, or of culpable neglect in doing their duty
How do Perpetrators of
Abuse get by then?:
So popular are they, perhaps
you find yourself drawn in and trusting them. You let your guard down.
Events overtake you. You find yourself in a vulnerable position with
them, where you don't feel quite right. Comments and approach may be
disempowering. This person now appears very different to how they had
been. There is an edge to them. What once felt attractive is now
threatening and sometimes menacing.
By contrast, at times their
behaviour may again seem reasonable and you may find yourself dismissing
the uncomfortable feelings. Eventually, often at some point where you
lease expect it, having been lulled into a sense of false security,
having been 'coached' into responding apologetically, and now believing
that you are being judgmental, the true character of the
person shows itself. You are hooked and in danger.
This process can go on for
months, even years but much of this can happen over a period of minutes
and hours. The end result is often serious violence, especially if you
stop going along with 'their game'. If it becomes evident to a
manipulative abuser that you are making a stand against the
manipulation, or 'controlling behaviour', physical intimidation is often
the last resort. Seek independence and the panic set in.
Almost as bad as the
physical violence that ensues, are the increased psychological &
emotional put downs, which, if perpetrated over a significant period of
time (or if you have been in these situations before; which is quite
likely), can actually feel
worse than the physical violence. You have effectively
been 'brain washed', or 'behaviour modified' into submission. This has
general effect in response to any other person's manipulative, or
controlling behaviour.
How do we get into these
Situations?:
Psychological and emotional
'put downs', 'guilt trips' and 'mind games' start in childhood, from
parents, teachers, friend, as well as enemies. We are predisposed to
respond to manipulation. We are programmed by them. The abusive and
controlling adult 'hones' these psychological skills & adds to them a
host of other tricks & slights of hand. You probably know these yourself
but can not bring yourself to use them with the same powerful effect as
those who are 'sociopathic' & 'psychopathic'.
Please don't try & play them
at their game. You will loose, one way or another. You have to 'take
control' of your life and your body. You will be accused
of being controlling by doing so (if not already accused of it) It is
called 'projection'. They will hate you being in control of your own
life, having friends, jobs, skills I influences that they will never
really achieve, to their satisfaction. You have now broken the
'contract' with them.
Abusive people win a race by
sneakily tripping others up, 'its a great joke' and they get others
laughing at the fall. By comparison with the 'fallen' they are doing
well. They can delude themselves (& others) of their competence. In this
respect they are clever, in using their skills to win 'over'
people. They are stupid, however; by paying attention to putting people
down (and gloating about this pathetic success) they then miss the fact
that the other runners are way ahead of them.
Abusive,
controlling
and
predatory
people invariably come to a sticky and sad end. I often have to help
them too, when they hit rock bottom, having tripped themselves up. That
is no consolation to you, unless you help the process. Get up there with
the other runners, leave the sad gits behind. Stay in front and you
can't be tripped. If you notice, good team players and team race
drivers, support each other. They congratulate the winner.
Psychological, emotional &
spiritual 'Interpersonal
Abuses' like;
'verbal bullying',
'mind games',
'put downs',
and 'projection', are
often worse than beatings. They have a severe and progressive effect on
our mental health. Experiences of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and
even little, negative 'put down' comments in early childhood and
adolescence, can 'prime' us and set the scene for life. They can even be
presented in humorous ways & still be abusive, you may laugh along with
the bully. - Please Explain!:
There is a very subtle
but very important difference between the 'controlling' forms
of 'Behaviour
Modification' (reward
& punishment) Abuse (often using 'humour'
as a cover), and the loving and playful 'put downs' & 'teases',
used to strengthen a child (or adults)
resistivity
& resolve
to others manipulation (where they are rewarded for 'standing
up' for themselves in
some 'subtle' way and gain confidence in handling it.
Parents & other adults, who
are aware of the challenges we will meet, have an intuitive
understanding of how to 'counter' bullying, by making a child 'aware of
it' and 'resistive to it', again using humour. Play can be used to
illustrate name calling & fighting. The adult plays the bully, who
eventually comes off worst by the child. Kids play these games between
themselves also. In healthy circumstances they swap between being
'goody' and 'baddie. '
Where there is a 'Power
Balance' maintained
in the relationship, this is beneficial to preparation for adulthood.
Where there is an imbalance of 'power'
in this play, it can become abusive; setting the child up to loose. It
has to be about intention and consequences. The adult, the older child
and the more mature peer has a responsibility here. Correction of the
power imbalance, from time to time, is critical to effective learning
and safe play. The intervention should be a
model
for learning also.
Sometimes the switchover
from play to abuse is sudden and unnoticed. If your guts are saying
'this is not right', your guts are probably correct. Kids may be
laughing and playing, having fun, but, at who's expense? I remember, as
a 13/14 year old, playfully calling a friend of mine a Jewish
something-or-other. The Teacher hearing this asked; "Have you read your
Torah recently?" (I have a Jewish heritage, so it it home well, but it
could have been any well known religious text).
When this goes wrong, it is
not just comments & behaviour of parents, but of teachers, other adults
and bullying by peers & siblings. Our culture is now steeped in images
of bullying, always has been, but now it is being made a virtue &
entertainment, rather than a lesson in avoidence. Kids will mimic this,
god help us. The impression of the media is that there are some forms of
bulling are OK, if you can laugh with them, rather than 'at' them (which
is normally a good enough rule).
Its not true in these cases,
the current 'images' still have the same effect. It subtly modifies
behaviour and gives powerful
legitimacy
to bullying, through the power of mass media. It is still 'programming'
us to respond to certain unacceptable behaviours in ways that
disempower
and undermine
us/others. It is also very funny and, like 'rubber-necking' at a crash
sight, is fascinating. It has the rubber stamp of authority, by
'neglect'. Some adults may understand the subtleties, many will not, kid
& young people often don't have the experience to appreciate this.
If you, or someone close to you, has had experiences and met people like
those described, or are feelings like I have describe above and now
realise that they are, or have been, experiencing sexual
assault, physical assault, persistent physical abuse, neglect &/or
psychological and emotional trauma, harassment, or bullying to a degree
where your confidence fails you and you contemplate running away, or
perhaps killing yourself (or then):
3) Introduction - To Continue:
Some initial criticism of the site is already established and relates to
a 'partially' legitimate complaint that much of the material is
sometimes extensive, convoluted and often difficult to follow. This will
be, in some instances, or some respects, because of poor writing style.
I apologised in advance for that and do so again, wherever this is the
case. This will be improved upon in response to your comments and
suggestions, where it does not affect fundamental meaning and accuracy.
These are 'open' documents and are available for improvement and
clarification.
In some instances this criticism is not wholly appropriate. Some of the
issues we are dealing with have a strong commonsense and emotional
component. In these respect we can write in a very relaxed and frank
style (and we will do so progressively). If there are clear
interpersonal and institutional abuses, with direct, understood impact
upon people's mental and physical health, these can be described in very
simple terms, without too much in the way of ambiguous interpretation,
i.e. where the causes and effect are widely understood & accepted as
'given'.
(Link to examples)
4) - OK. So, why don't we
just stop there?:
Well, if you feel these
emotional kind of argument adequately addresses your concerns (for
yourself &/or others) and covers your own 'obvious' and adequately
recognised abusive, neglectful, or risky situation, then it should be
relatively easy to go to the police and/or social services, the local
child protection service, or Vulnerable Adults Unit, CSCI, or other
supervisory body, and hopefully get the problem appropriately addressed.
The situation you are
managing 'feels' risky and you, &/or your charge is potentially
vulnerable. If a vulnerable person (child or adult, possibly including
yourself) is at risk and you have taken no action:
5) If you are a more
casual observer, just visiting the site, or someone looking for general
information on Abuse, Mental Health, Bullying, Health & Social Care. If
you are seeking any sort advice, or ideas on therapeutic techniques,
talking treatments, complaints procedures, and survival strategies, etc.
Please read on & take from this introduction what you can. Otherwise
follow the appropriate links to take you to sections you are interested
in.
I will not apologies for
the next paragraph, those it offends will be aware of its purpose. If
you are a little bewildered by it, I apologies for any confusion. You
may otherwise feel that this is the end of the abuse story. I promise
you it is not. Not by a long way. In your further reading on this site
you may reflect and identify situations that may be having grave impacts
on vulnerable people of various kinds
If you are a cynical
professional, a manager of, or within, an institution, or one of those
abusive perpetrators, checking out the latest 'conspiracy theories' and
wishing to look for weaknesses in arguments of those standing up to
wider, hidden abuses, you may wish to leave the site at this point, for
your peace of minds sake.
Warning: What follows may be injurious to your emotional and
psychological health.
Or, alternatively, stay around and watch what is coming and contribute
to our debate, you are welcome, knowledge of you arguments helps us
greatly.
It is rare that situations
improve of their own account. Every civilised advance has to be fought
for, by the sword, the gun and, by the words in combination with
actions. Those who have been in these deprived and deprave circumstance
and who have then tuned to institutions to assist, (believing that is
why they are there) are frequently disappointed. Not so much by the
attitudes & excuses. Mostly by the real ignorance of the realities of
life & the effects upon people who, for very good reasons, can do little
to remedy their own situation. It is not an fair & equal society.
Some would say, of the more obvious situations that; The facts will
often speak for themselves, they need little further justification. In
the main this is true and we will rely on the simple, more emotional
presentation in those instances. You may also now be aware, however,
that even in the most obvious cases of abuse and injustice, there are
those individuals and some institutions, that will justify ignoring, and
further more engage in and promote 'clinical forms' of abuses of these
kinds. This is why I determinedly continue with logic & science.
Where
the situations, and effects we describe are apparent in other nations
and cultures, on a grand scale, affecting children in particular, and
defenceless women in many instances, there is now (with modern
understanding) usually universal condemnation. Few people, but complete
'psychopaths' would argue against them. Emotional argument is
significant and substantially adequate to bring about change. But there
are Psychopaths and sociopaths - I meet and talk to them too.
Where these same
problems can be evident on our own turf, or perhaps hidden away, but
next door to us, and subtly wrapped up in sympathetic 'justifications',
excuses and convincing, sophisticated rationales. We often don't notice
the true abusive effect until they go to court, or they are exposed as
lies, perhaps in the press; 'You know, I though there was something odd
with the people next door'. 'I realise mow that I should have said
something'. 'I feel terrible, they seemed such nice people'.
On the other hand, it is
also true, that some peoples' prejudiced interpretation of otherwise
reasonable but eccentric, or alternative, culturally determined,
non-abusive behaviour is assumed to be unacceptable and interpreted as
abusive. The neighbour who is being cautious about their observations
concerning others, is struggling with quite difficult issues and complex
ideas and feelings. Making mistakes is easily understood here. This is
why we are here. Some times we do have to think things out a bit, get
advice and make very difficult decisions.
There are also mature,
intelligent, otherwise family loving, law abiding individuals and
agencies, that
put forward sometimes quite convincing intellectual arguments which
assure themselves and some others, that apparently abusive
practices (in all other circumstances) are acceptable in some situations
and contexts. We would contest that, even where there may be some
justification in their argument. These justifications have a tendency to
'grow and extend' themselves to other situations and contexts and also
give permission to others to retaliate in kind - FACT.
Our more convoluted, complex
arguments (which will usually follow on from the clear and simple ones)
are included to directly counter these and other, less healthy, 'special
case' justifications. We at least hope to help (and to help you)
put blocks on these practices drifting over into other areas of more
legitimate social freedoms, or less serious social misdoings (as they
are bound, according to history, to do).
Our general area of operation is in Human Rights (As expressed in the
spirit and content of the Conventions, before they are/were adjusted for
national, commercial and institutional benefits). Basic Human Rights are
not too difficult to understand, they come from a sense of social
justice. The words get complicated but the spirit, essence, the feel of
them is sound and uncomplicated. We have won them. Get used to it
'abusers' and 'jobs worths'. We are on the steps of your town halls and
institutions
We
are building up a range of information and advice services to provide
support to anyone who has a psychological, emotional, or social problem
of any kind, due to any cause. We are particularly concerned with those
experiences which can be shown to have potential, or actual, negative
emotional, psychological, or general health effects of any kind, or that
it is felt, or shown, to to have a serious negative social impact.
We include support, advice & working strategies to Individuals,
Families, Support Workers, or any involved Professionals and Agencies.
This will include Executives of Pubic Institutions, or Commerce, wishing
to identify, counter, or legislate and develop strategies for dealing
with and eliminating these potentially abusive situations and any
institutional forms of abuse, whatever their character, or degree.
This is the culmination of 30 years of wide ranging experience in the
statutory and voluntary sectors (The cumulative experience is
significantly greater than this). This experience, unlike many boasts,
is wide ranging, reflective and responsive to individual
We are all in this together and, if we are genuine, want the same
things; resolution
of problems and more public understanding. To this end, the site is
dedicated to a number of interrelated objectives. We want to draw to it
those people from the Service User, Family Carer, Voluntary and
Professional groups, who are fully committed to the basic concepts of
Community Care; Person Centred, Empowering, Informed Choice and Best &
Least Restrictive Practices in any personal, or public endeavour.
We agree that Professional
Ethics and attention to the the person's needs and risks (as acknowledge
in any way by them), should override any and all institutional
requirements that tend to take us away from this basic objective. The
adherence to these principle will be 'real' and minute to minute, not a
nominal inclusion from time to time, as decided by any one contributor.
The members of all groups mentioned will have the same status, but may
have divergent interests, experiences and strengths.
The intention of the site is
not just to solve personal problems but to advance & develop knowledge,
understanding & experience and broaden perspectives. It is our intention
to do this in ways that empower users, carers, and professionals to take
direct responsibility for their efforts and obligations, independently
of the institutions. Institutions are there to facilitate this
independent practice, towards meeting particular needs.
We will seek not to
discriminate, other than to exclude, &/or publicise, those that would do
so. Our objective is to help identify any situation, or relationship,
which is abusive & disempowering by its nature, or by its observable
effect. We recognise that these behaviours and effects are counter to
human rights and will seek to define these situations in Plain English &
emotional terms and also in precise intellectual terms.
We will assist in strategies
to counter, challenge, make public and expose and manage any situation,
relationship, or institutional situation which causes unnecessary, or
excessive, persistent stress, distress &/or potential negative health
effect. We will do this, whatever the nature of the power base,
executive authority, differential in age, size, sex, or creed, and
irrespective of any supposed good intentions, and professional, or
official status
We will do this in terms
that will assist people in recognising actual, or potentially abusive
situations, or circumstances. We will identify these situations in
general terms and in specific detail, at least to a degree the
perpetrators will be able to see themselves in the descriptions and, where.
you will be batter able to 'choose' to avoid these kinds of
relationships in the future and will be better able to handle the
difficulties your are encountering in your current 'abusive'
relationship.
Our
services include conventional advice; individual and interpersonal
counselling & guidance; peer group support; suggested 'social'
therapeutic techniques and our variations on 'traditional'
psychodynamic techniques (Social-dynamics). There is also a wide range
of informative and also 'challenging' perspectives on conventional
practice and existing theories, which work for some but is often
frustrating and inadequate for others. A variety of perspectives is
hoped for; Choice is central here!
|
Dealing With Personal Abuse (of any
kind):
Personal Abuse can be defined as any 'uninvited' and 'unwarranted' intrusion
into and upon our immediate personal space (and more particularly our bodies),
or any deliberate manipulation of our psychological, emotional, social &
spiritual character & our natural responses, to the other person's benefit & our
own loss of benefit, basically in any way you can say.
This intrusion is 'active' in that it may be with the intention to inflict
pain, distress, humiliation &/or to effect control over you and your life; for
the other person's benefit and gratification, and without your/our explicit, or
tacit permission, or our considered and stated agreement to it.
This intrusion can also be effected by unwarranted, persistent,
and intrusive observations, especially after polite requests to stop. It can be
effected by way of 'following' and 'turning up' at your home, work, or
other places you frequent (beyond reasonable chance) and without good reason.
It can be effected by way of persistent, unsolicited, unwarranted
and unwanted letters, emails, phone calls, faxes, text messages & images and so
on; either directly to yourself, to your family, friends, bosses, colleagues,
managers, customers, clients, GP, police, social services, etc. Not all
institutions, like police and social services, appreciate this but they will
soon. We will make sure they understand the miss-uses of the services, &
resultant miss-conducts.
The term 'unwarranted' is important here. If we seek, by virtue of a valid
abuse that we suffer, to disable the rightful entitlement of that same person,
to act legally in communicating with us on any 'reasonable' matter (kids contact
and care, things they own, that are in our possession, etc), we put ourselves on
the wrong foot. It is not normally enough that this is 'unwanted'.
If a person seeks to make this contact for abusive reasons, using the
'reasonable issues' as an excuse, we have entitlement to in Law, to make other
reasonable arrangements that avoid our own (and family, friends, colleagues ...
etc.) contact with the person. The Law is 'hot' on this one. It is 'in fashion',
particularly if you are a woman. You may have to work a bit harder if you are a
bloke. Not fair, but that's life; blame the abusive bar-stewards out there, some
are in the police (actually, according to many female police officers, there are
quite a few).
If (or I should say when) you are fully 'empowered' in yourself, you
will direct these arrangement, 'fairly and justly' for yourself, in very
reasonable ways, that demonstrate your new confidence and your re-empowerment
(but you will always need to stay wary). There are contact centres where you can
safely and comfortably have children stay if there are 'real risks' to them, or
where there are risks to you, but not them; where you can just transfer children
over safely.
How do you Know you
are being Abused?:
Well, often, and sometimes for a long time, you don't. People who become
'targets' for abuse often don't realise that they are walking into an abusive
situation, or relationship. Sometimes we are already 'in one', if it is within
the family situation. Sometimes this then becomes the pattern of their lives. It
then one day just dawns upon us (if we are lucky) that something is seriously
wrong with the arrangement that we are in.
Some people have more of a tendency to trust. It is in their character and,
as a consequence, they tend to live their lives on the basis of 'trusting',
until that trust is proven to be unwarranted. If we are lucky, we have a good
enough upbringing, don't end up 'living our parents lives', don't have abusive
teachers and bosses and then meet the right kinds of people and settle down to a
career &/or family. We may survive relatively unscathed, confident and
successful.
On the other hand, if one of our parents (at least one - or, perhaps a
step-parent, foster parent, care worker, etc) is manipulative and controlling,
beyond reasonable 'discipline', and tends to use physical force, &/or
intimidation and 'put downs' to get their way, we are being set up to be 'a
victim of abuse'. This is particularly true if our general nature is one of
being trusting. If we are then required to live the parent's lives for
them (succeed where they failed, or even succeeded - on their terms),
this early loss of personal identity is
worsened further.
At the time, there is often little we can do about it early on. It can be
subtle and may not even be consciously abusive. Children are naturally trusting
of parents, and other adults, and this can be beneficial (nature designed it to
be), where it allows us to learn, experiment, experience and 'test out'
boundaries, in relative safety and confidence. This natural tendency is misused
by the abusive person, who is neglectful & over constraining, in critical areas
of childhood.
If this trust is misplaced as a child, or subsequently as an adult, and we
continue to accept and forgive errors on the part of parents, family members;
and subsequent teachers, bosses, partners and other associates. We can become
'disempowered' by the process and end up unconsciously 'subjugating'
ourselves, often in subtle ways, to the demands, expectations, projections and
manipulations of others, at our expense (and often, not to the abusers' long
term advantage either).
This is bad enough, but we can still find valid roles in life with these
qualities and experiences, used positively in helping others. We can also expect
some protection these days, especially within
Employment Law and the Criminal and Civil
Legal Process, where the behaviour of others has become
manifestly (plainly) abusive and damaging.
The Law is constantly improving on the basis of Human Rights legislations. Staff
of the various institutions are being trained up to recognise and deal with
these issues in the 'Least Restrictive', 'Person Centred', 'Best Value', and
'Needs Met' ways.
Just a little aside of mine -
forgive me:
Unfortunately, the above is only partly true. If you have money, or if you
have a professional standing. If you have some basic status and intellectual
skills. If you are confident in yourself and able to express yourself without
too much frustration and anger. If you are one of an Identified Group, who have
been recognised as prejudiced against in the past, or if you are a member of a
Group who have been through the 'Radical' Community Care Changes & / or one that
has a 'Media Friendly Face'. There may be hope here.
If you are also not too naive, and have not had the sh*t kicked out of you,
physically, mentally, emotionally for years. If don't live in what professionals
now call 'Social Housing'; then you have good chance of reasonably easy access
to all these legal niceties when you need them, and may expect appropriate
professional support from most quarters, if you make enough noise. But then, if
you had these things at hand and could do all these things, you wouldn't be
here, would you, Oh, yes - unless you are an interested Abuser (sorry folks -
have to have my little dig sometimes).
Now, Back to The Real World (Our
World):
Look. I know it is rough out there. I have been there and have stared to get
quite used to it. I only went there on a visit to do some research, when I was a
very young child. I found it so fascinatingly dishonest & astounding behaviour, that I stayed for a bit
and found myself being dragged along with the tide of distress. I met some
really weird people who wanted some really weird things - but they were mostly
polite and kind.
Link To 'As A Young Child'
I hadn't planned to include any of 'my story' here but this stuff can get so
'hairy' and seem so clinical sometimes. In some ways it has to be. As I have
said elsewhere, I am trying to talk to those people who have the 'power' to
change how things are. I am trying to get them to understand peoples individual
'realities' & the intellectual language that can confound this. 'Link
to Personal Experiences'
I hope the stories I have included will help you to appreciate that your experiences are
valid and will be appreciated by ourselves and others. The fact that people are
able to speak up for themselves, without shame, does help and will make the job
of perpetrators of abuse much more difficult, as individuals, friends &
professionals become less naive.
Link To Disclosure
The Law is an Ass. It is stubborn, hisses & spits
and kicks about a lot. Walk round it a bit and feed it some sugar. Pat it on the head
and get it eating out you hand. Get it to love you. Put on a media friendly
face. Look like you are going to embarrass if it starts acting up. Show it who
is Boss.
Fear is the biggest inhibitor to justice and that is what abusers and
Institutions work on. Show no fear, speak up honestly and answer truthfully,
forthrightly and with confidence. Use common sense and express yourself with
respect to those you criticise. Never ask, or insist that a person be punished
in some way.
It is not their job, or your job. If there is punishment to be
dished out that is something for another day, in another place. Our job is to
stop abuse, towards us and others. The spotlight we put upon it goes a long way
towards this. The public will often do the rest. They are the Jury.
As such stories get publicised, the Laws, legal guidelines and processes that
are already in place, become more accessible by all people and then early
disclosure becomes more realistic. The need to 'get publicity' will become less
and the 'process' of grievance and obtaining and giving 'disclosure' should
become less abusive in it own right.
Where Can I go for Help:
The links to other Abuse and Mental Health 'survivor' sites will be here
shortly also and there will be a whole section dedicated to these issues and the
impact that they have on our Physical, Mental and Social Health. We will also
address the issue of extensive 'institutional abuses, with their unintentional
but no less destructive 'processes' for dealing with 'Dignity at Work' issues.
If you are being seriously abused, please view of
'Emergency' Link.
and our Section on
'Disclosure'. These will have other
links to other agencies and sources of information and practical help.
The small, day to day 'abuses' of trust that can be so damaging to
relationships, families and to employees will also be addressed, even where the
is little hope of legal and institutional redress. These still have devastating
effects on peoples lives, consume time and resources and damage trust more
generally.
At the same time that I want us to understand professional language, to
engage with professionals on equal term and provide them with 'our language' and perspectives, and to get
professionals to have half an emotional sense of how it feels to be there, in this abusive, lonely
situation and how this loneliness can stay with you because of other peoples
incredulity and embarrassment regarding these situations. Some professionals
experience this in there personal lives and with in the institutions they work
for.
I also want to help those who can influence change, to understand why
some of us would want to stay 'trusting' and potentially vulnerable, rather than
take the alternative route of hardening up and becoming desensitised to the
suffering of others and even remain semi-oblivious of it, when it is part of our
job.
And I am not talking bursting into tears and 'loosing it' every time
something sad happens! There is nothing wrong with tears and people I support
respect mine as I do theirs. They are tears of strength and relief that we have
found each other and recognise each others unique but common experiences. Tears
say it all.
To survive serious abuse and persistent bullying, as a child, and then later
as an adult, requires some release. Apart from tears, this is achieved, very
often, in songs like 'My Name is Luka', by Cheryl Crow. 'I dreamed that I saw
Joan-of-Arc', by Leonard Cohen, 'The Times They Are a Changing', by Bob Dylan.
(and many others).
Another method of 'release' is though humour and sarcasm. Others are through
Drama, Story Telling and Art. You will find all this on this site, and
increasingly so, as we get further contributions. Please continue to respond and
to tell others.
I will make my own favourite selection of songs, pictures, photographs
and reference to stories and drama, available on the website, along with the
'words' of songs, accompanying poems for the pictures and poignant summaries of
the drama, etc.
People who are susceptible to being abused are often highly creative and
insightful. That is why they 'cop it'. No one likes a Smart Arse, as bullies
often say. And they are right, of course. Some have very powerful jobs in Health
and Social Care, Commerce and Government. The Smart Arses & Bullies, that is.
Please forgive me for my sarcastic humour at times. I use it in my work. It
helps people 'let go' of the crap and put it back where it belongs: out there
for everyone to see, judge, speak up, and do something about in their own small
but important way, preferable doing less harm in the process, than the abuser
did begin with.
As a Very Young Child:
It was fascinating to watch ordinary people go by, apparently oblivious of
the murky happenings before their eyes, behind the door, just out of hearings
reach, or just barely within it, enough to have doubts and get strange looks.
I met kids in the kids homes, at these times and they told me of their
distressing stories. Not only of event at home, but how they were removed from
home, without adequate explanation and since they were removed and placed in
'safety'!.
I remember wondering, as I watched people pass me and my mother, if these
people were beating up and putting down their kids. It was impossible to tell.
Even my dad was everyone's friend and 'a great sort'. He was good at what he did,
knew lots of people, some quite famous and he was popular with everyone, as his
friends kept telling me.
Link to 'As a Young Child'
My Dad was great with kids, and even with me mostly. I loved him, felt sorry
for him and tried to help him understand what he was doing. I do have some good
memories of him and feel affection even now. But there was this lonely black
hole when the love went away. You even missed the beatings in a way.
You don't have to prove that you are a 'victim'. You have to persistently
demonstrate to those who have some power to change it, that someone is really
taking the p*ss and hurting you and other people by dishonestly saying one thing
to the world and saying and doing something else to you. and you family, or
colleagues.
Some one is treating others with special favours and you
with contempt. Do you recognise this characteristic. You do? - Well then, you
start to get some idea of where all those other poor sods are at. If you have
also had someone make you feel small and undermine your confidence and trust in
you own skills and competences. Imagine this happening for years. Some of you
will not need to imagine.
As the Abused Person, you have to try and stay calm, the abuser is; while you are panicking and
trying to stay safe in their clutches. If you stay calm and purposeful in
'taking steps', it will be they that start to panic. They will make mistakes.
Keep your head down and don't listen.
They will blame you for it all. Including
standing up for yourself and letting them down. It will be like
your pervious experiences on fast forward. Stay your ground and don't react.
Privately smile to yourself as you see their Games unwind and their panic set
in.
It is in the finer detailed and 'more refined' areas of Psychologically &
Emotionally, Abusive Behaviour that we may have the biggest difficulty in
getting a resolution. 'Mind Games' are very difficult and dangerous to live
with, and extricate ourselves from.
They are pervasive and often Institutional.
Not a punch or kick is needed. Anyone is a target and anyone is susceptible to
these effects. Big fleas on little fleas, The pecking order ... all that
old nonsense, etc.
No marks need show on the surface. Quiet, hidden intimidation is the weapon
used here and there are no bruises, or fingerprints. These are however, often
accompanied by subtle, torturous 'physical abuse' and intimidation but their
effects are deeper and last longer than bruises and cuts, which fade.
Often this
reveals a cheerful, competent, slightly shy (but freighted and insecure) person
to the world. The gradual undermining of confidence and the rebuilding of the
person in the image of the abusers choice goes on behind the scene and is
insidious and cruel. True torture.
It starts with the Drip, Drip, Drip, tortuous, pervasive pressure on each of
us to conform & succeed in 'normal', societal terms (whatever these may be),
irrespective of the fact that part of the 'norm' keeps falling over; because it
only has two legs, one of them much shorter than the other.
The supposedly 'good
one' is also restricted, being tied, as it is, at the ankle, to the 'resources
available', after the various administrative cost have been removed, to cover
the massive paperwork and computer overheads of the department of sad and tired
excuses.
It is also the pretence that the services are there for us all and we can
have a say in their running. The 'short list' of available options is prepared,
by an expert committee, sent out to those who qualify, having been given
appropriate notice in a local paper, or services magazine, or on another bloody
leaflet at the doctors, or library; or even at some expense, through 'our mum's
door', along with the Readers Digest competition you have Won and the 'Buy one
get one fee' Coupon from
If we get the questionnaire and, if we are the least bit interested, we tick
the box of our choice. Simple process for simple minds, who may live in social
housing and do not understand why they don't have real say, using their own
words, of their choice. Or was it a 'Choice'? - Was our choice there at all? Why
wasn't I asked to joint the expert committee? Why weren't you? Are you not a
'expert' in your field.
It is the requirement for us to all 'Fit the package', of support, care,
education, law, etc. Designed for us by the experts, whoever they are?
(Perhaps Dr Spock). We fumble and wriggle to try and fit but find we are not
'Substantial', or Critical, but if we can kindly wait a bit we will be.
That is,
by the time 'they' finish the latest 'change process' they are going through,
followed by the 'Service Evaluation' and the next 'Strategic Reorganisation'. I
was asked not to mention the repair of the the 'Single point of access' answer
phone service, so I wont say any more than that, on this matter.
I am sorry, that is a bit unfair; there is sometimes someone there at the end
of the line and they do sometimes do let you get all you have to say over before
they tell you that they "Don't deal with that particular service you require".
OR.
"I am sorry, but your needs do not sound like they meet our criteria of
Substantial & Critical" and; "Well, we will do a Community Care Assessment if
you insist, you are right, we do have that obligation, but it wont make any
difference, you wont get a service!".
You may have had this kind of response. But before you get too up in arms, I
do have to tell you it is usually quite fair. I have tested this service, for
genuine purposes, presenting as an ordinary member of the public.
I have approached the 'Single point of access' services as an ordinary
person, with no apparent knowledge of the process and legal obligations. I
have approached it as a 'middle class professional with some significant
knowledge of my entitlements.
I have also approached the service as an involved professional, within the
same organisation/ professional discipline, to refer in a person I was
supporting for an assessment concerning a different problem they had.
You will be pleased to know, in a small way, that I was treated equally as
dismissively in each case, although as a professional, perhaps a little less
politely and as a middle class, knowledgeable person a little more politely.
Meanwhile, Back in Real Life:
The Adolescent you commits suicide before the exams. The Geek who has a
mental breakdown because of persistent put downs by pupils and then colleagues.
The over active and inquisitive child who is bored with being 'told' how the
universe works and want to test it out for themselves; "Sit down and take you
pills boy, you will never get anywhere if you don't listen to me".
The creative child who, because of their background and lack of assertion and
poor responses to requests, expressed themselves in 'graffiti', or if angry
enough in the end, thought the 'installation' of "The Smashed Bus Shelter", or
"The Burning Car". I know ... I know what you are going to say;, you had a tough
time growing up and you didn't do things like that. Well, first of all they are
not you!
And; Secondly, if you had a tough time growing up you 'did'; do some
pretty awful things but you thought you were justified. Otherwise, experience
tells me that you are lying and actually had quite a comfortable time, with some
minor neglects and a few financial problems.
Yes, I agree that there are exceptions to the rule and, If you are one of
those exceptions I know you will forgive me for including you in error,
realising that I am talking about the other 90% who pretend they have had an
awful time, no luck, no help, never behaved inappropriately and dishonestly and
by virtue of their own efforts alone, without the pressured assistance of
others, including wives and lovers, survived to be highly successful and totally
independent in all respects.
What a load of bollocks!!!
When and how does it go wrong?:
We may later meet someone, in our work, or our social lives, who is
'more proactive', or well skilled and established in their 'trade'; of being
abusive, controlling, manipulative and dishonest. In these situations we are
likely to engage with trust; Forgive early errors; Believe excuses &
justifications, etc.. They saw us coming and we are often inadvertently
pre-programmed for them.
On the basis of doing what we normally do best; 'trusting & caring', we end
up doing the worst for ourselves; because we are duped, by the lies of some and
the frequent misunderstandings and misrepresentation of others, including
friends and professionals, all with their own angles, prejudices and levels of
ignorance. Other people have been prepared, or are otherwise fascinated by this perpetrator of abuse.
Gradually we find ourselves 'sucked into' a cycle of behaviour and reactions
that make us increasingly defensive and establishes us as a 'victim', having
been convince that we are to 'blame' for deterioration in the relationship,
whether it is the Boss, or a Partner. In seeking help we are often treated as a
'victim' and this can reinforce the 'victim' role that we have been trained up
for, by the abusive person.
A frequent professional, and amateur counsellors misrepresentation is
that the shared responsibilities within an 'abusive' and 'unbalanced'
relationship are 50/50. Although this is a good start for ordinary relationship
problems, it is a very bad basis for dealing with any Abusive
Relationship.
The Professional worker, or Police Officer, may want to take this position
'as observers' and as the collectors of facts, and that is fine. You must accept
this as part of justice and fairness.
If, however, it is a 'requirement' placed upon 'you', or there is pressure
and encouragement that you accept this as the basis for considering the
abusive relationship; This is 'abusive' in its
own right. You are, as you know, susceptible to accepting this
responsibility, it is part of what has kept you there, within the abusive
relationship.
This kind of advice is inept & stupid.
Ignore it! Professionals & friends often get
things wrong; often by having guidelines for their own conduct which they then
believe should be 'yours', and they feel they have a responsibility to pass it
on to you. They are not you and they are not in your position and hopefully
never will be.
Yes - Ignore any advice that makes you 'responsible', in any
way, for getting involved in a 'hidden' and dishonest, collusive and
inappropriate relationship. You were duped, so were others (including the
professionals). The other person was dishonest and then undermined your attempts
to correct the situation, whenever you tried to do this. You were a victim of
deception, don't become victimised -
don't become a 'victim', or identified as 'culpable'.
This would be as bad as being told it was your fault you were raped, because you
went out on your own at night!!!
Yes - Ignore criticisms for 'Staying with it' and delaying too
long. Only you know how powerful your sense of responsibility is, for making
relationships work, if you can. For keeping things secure and safe for those you
care about, including the kids, colleagues & customers. Only you know how
undermined and disempowered you feel as a consequence of this abuse and how much
courage it has taken to get this far, knowing the level of disbelief and
underestimation of danger that exists.
Yes - Ignore complaints that you delayed this all too
long. For gently and politely informing people what is happening, knowing that
they only 'half' believe you, only 'half' understand and sometimes only 'half'
care. For delaying for the purpose of collecting the facts and then recording them for
your own sanity and possibly for the purpose future actions and protection,
should this be necessary, AND eventually, to convince enough of the
doubters of the extent of the problem, so that you can safely
leave the situation and deal with it at a distance, without being pursued.
Yes - Ignore the unreasonable criticism that it is 'your
responsibility'. Only you know how difficult it is to 'take responsibility'
and separate out, confidently, what part you may play in 'creating' the problem,
or in the working of the relationship generally, so as to confirm your
developing suspicions about the other person's unreasonable behaviour. You are
fair and just. They are not. You want to make sure your are right, and prove it
(you know you will have to do this).
Yes - Ignore the relative ignorance (and self interest) of
those who have never had such an experience. Only you know the extent to which
others can deliberately and even accidentally & some time naively, undermine
this process of recognising, checking the facts and acting against, the abuse
that you know you have experienced and are still experiencing.
Yes - ignore the advice of mutual friends, colleagues and
family, who also appear to have been misguided and duped by the same person, who
has been 'abusing' you quietly for months and years. Some of these situation
appear almost incredulous until you are in them. Observers, even friends, see
the 'public' face of a person and are often blind to their actions &
repercussions of this behaviour for you 'and them'.
It all goes wrong when you feel that you are entirely on your own and that
people are unable to accept your early accounts, in your own terms. It remains
like that until you find the means within yourself to trust others once more. Or
until you find someone you can trust adequately to find a way out that suites
you.
Then, with he right support, slowly and carefully you can extract yourself,
at your own pace, with dignity, bringing with you the bits and pieces that you
cherish and the securities and confidence (which were left behind for a while,
entangled with this other person's psyche) along with you, disentangled &
emotionally hosed
down.
It is not enough to leave, to walk away and never look back, before you are
ready, you know that. Unless (of course) it is a very early stage in a
relationship. If only it was that simple. You have to extricate
yourself, on your terms, regaining you 'empowerment' and asking for the help
that you feel you need and taking actions when you feel safe with at that time,
one stage at a time.
So, What are We Doing About
It?:
We, that is, this site, will sit outside the situation, with emotional and
intellectual ropes and ladders, ready to help your extrication, when you believe
you have done all the homework and recorded the evidence, to your satisfaction.
We will wait here (as others do elsewhere) until you have sorted things to a
degree that you feel will supports you actions, or complaint, against an
individual (or an Institution). Justifying, as you will have it, you entitlement
to stand up and speak out, without shame, without prejudice and with renewed
confidence in your ability to 'Survive' and win through!
We wait here with information and are awaiting your decision, supporting you
the best we can and when you seek any advice. Providing you with increasing
examples of how to empower yourself and take the best approach that will suit
your particular situation. Giving illustrations of how we did this for ourselves
and how you will, one day, not too far off from now, do the same, adding to that
'body of knowledge'.
To The Interested Observer Also:
Just to remind those who will feel inclined to argue 'just leave', we have
listed here some reminders why 'just leaving' is so difficult, if not sometime
impossible. This is partly because of the lack of real professional and public
understanding of the problem.
Sympathy, Frustration and Legal Guidelines and are not enough on their own.
Real skills are needed, from intimate direct, or indirect experience in these
'Mind Game' manipulations, recognising our own life time, unavoidable collusions
in the general behaviour of modern manipulative and commercialised society.
'Getting it our own way, on our terms', 'There is not such thing as Community',
attitudes and practices.
For more examples, Increasing all the time, please follow the links
highlighted in Blue.
Why don't you leave?:
"The
Kids for god sake - the kids": -
"The kids want to see their Dad. I can't deprive them of that. It is the
price I have to pay. I just wish people will believe me when I tell them how
manipulative he can be and how off the wall he can get. If I could just get
someone who accepted how things are and supported me in trying to get things
back together on a better basis, I know it would help. He was a great dad and
partner once. Why can't we get the help we need. He needs help too, but the
problem is not 'big enough' apparently. It would be If I had a breakdown. Is
that how far things have to go?"
"I have to maintaining good contact with kids, it is so important to me. I
love them to bits. 'They' are abusive to them too but no one believes me. There
are never bruises just chaos, arguments, screaming and tears. The kids are
blaming 'me' for not being there for them and I have to just take it. I am not
in control of my life 'they' are. I just have to play along to keep my kids
safe, but it is wearing me down and undermining my confidence. I am actually
getting quite ill with it all the worry. It is killing me. God hep the kids
then."
"I don't trust the support of Social Services and the Police. It all right
for you, they don't look down on you. They treat me like I am dirt and I never
get their help. They moan because I keep going back (letting them back)".
"Do you think I really enjoy getting hit, being humiliated, getting put down,
undermined; for the sake of keeping the kids, or at least keeping in contact
with them and keeping them safe".
"Everyone
needs a job - I can't risk it":-
"Look - there are procedure, I know, but no one dare use them - You are a
marked person if you complain. Regulations are all well and good but I have
watched what has happened to other people who have tied. They loose their job,
or leave in frustration and get a 'polite' reference for their efforts."
"No one likes a complainer, however justified it is. Anyway, no one does
anything anyway. I have my family to think about too. I have already cause
myself enough problems just mentioning things as much as I have."
"I have a loyalty to colleagues, clients, customers and my bosses. Anyway,
how can I trust reporting them. they are so charming and butter wouldn't melt in
their mouth".
"Look, I am maintaining contact with kids, seeking to make things work,
checking out if I are able to make adjustments on my side of things".
What can I do to help me?:
You are you own best expert. Collect your evidence, cobble up your courage,
speak honestly and forthrightly, refuse to be the 'victim' in the eyes of the
perpetrators, their supporters, friends and others.
If you continue to keep within 'the relationship' in order to keep the money
coming in, or, while you collect the evidence necessary to convince yourself,
and then prove your situation as 'abusive'.
If it is to keep the kids safe and happy, or even because you love &/or
care for the person who is abusive;
Let other important people know you (and others) are at risk
and in what ways you think you & they are. People who have not been in these
situations have little idea of how trapped you can become.
People (including professionals) may even assume you are being
irresponsible. You are not. The abuser is. You are being responsible and asking
for assistance. Someone is trying to make you a victim, you are seeking to stop
this.
It can be difficult to explain this to people who only have an
academic view of these situations. Remind them that you are attempting to keep
to your wider responsibilities & commitments, refusing to be pushed into rash
decisions, but wanting help to sort things out and make things safer for all.
Professionals first have an obligation to work 'with' you to
make the situation safe, even when children are involved. They are required to
offer options, what s called 'informed choice', not ultimatums. You can
reasonably expect to be treated with dignity and respect, even if you are upset
and angry.
If you are provided with an ultimatum from the start, complain
to a manager. You are seeking constructive advice and support that you are
entitled to for the wider benefit of yourself (and any children, or others). You
are entitled to a reasoned discussion about 'options' that are, or can be made
available, including your own suggestions.
Calmly insist on this and record that you did, in case you
need the information later. In fact, make a record (getting help if need be) of
all attempts you have made to get help and the difficulties you encountered. If
the difficulties of getting help become critical, get help to present a
complaint.
If you, or the professional, are having problems communicating
and understanding each other, get someone else you trust involved, or seek and
Advocate, from an Advocacy Service (and independent person who can advise and
mediate in these circumstances).
This said:
- WE do have a responsibility here: To act, as soon as we recognise what
is happening to us, or to others.
- There is actually a Social Responsibility, supported by Law, in many
instances. Especially affecting Children, Vulnerable Adults,
- Collecting the evidence is valid. Simple statements of abuse are
inadequate, whatever you are told. Get the detail evidence recorded now
and present it to someone, get it on record somewhere official, provide a
summary later.
- Rights also come with responsibility; for us all to protect these Right
and protect ourselves & others - as with Health & Safety guidelines at work.
- We do then have an even bigger responsibility to ourselves:
- Speak up for yourself, if you dare.
- Resist abuse the best you can.
- Get out the situation as soon as you can.
- 'Stop' the abuse by any reasonable means.
You are the person caught within the Abusive Relationship. You
- You are not stupid. Contrary to what you have been told and have been
led to believe.
- You are not ignorant. You are
- You are not guilty. The feeling you may have is due to experiences that
'put blame on you'. Your own sense of responsibility then and;
- You have done little-or-nothing to be ashamed of.
- You understand that you have children involved.
- You have family responsibilities
- Perhaps you also have a felt responsibilities to colleagues, managers,
friends and neighbours, as well as to yourself.
You understand better than all those who would advise you, of the
considerations that need to be taken into account, including covering your back
against further abuse and victimisation.
You understand, better than most; as you now reflect upon what has happened
and how you find yourself in this 'disempowered situation; the powerful 'mind
games' that go on within these relationships.
Once the person (or institution) finds out that they are 'sussed, you know
this person is going to fight harder than you have ever experienced so far.
You know this. They can still do damage and you do not know yet who to trust
right now. For once, and just for the time being, trust no one.
1) Check out everyone and ask what their role is and if they can do anything.
Whatever they say, ask them to record your concerns, for yourself and your kids.
2) If you get disrespect, register you dissatisfaction there and then. Ask it
to be recorded, along with your original request.
3) Tell them you do not have time to waste. Ask to speak to their manager,
supervisor and just tell them the same. The facts and you perceived risks to you
and others.
The perpetrator of abuse; knowing you are making a determined stand, without
fear and with apparent confidence, will now make many mistakes.
Their game is a facade, coving fear and a sense of inadequacy (like with
bullies generally).
We are susceptible to this tendency 'because' we are self critical and
reflective. It becomes our downfall when that trust is abused in any dishonest,
or manipulative way. In general we trust the 'Institutions' to protect us but
they can fail due to neglect, or even because of endemic institutional
prejudice, or even abusive practices, some quite subtle and often quite
unconscious and may even be unintentional.
 This
section is in a stage of preparation.
Section Conclusion:
Basically, though, if you 'feel' abused, then you are more than likely being
abused in some way, or have been in the past & now respond to
circumstances on the basis of this experience. There are a very few example
where it may not be reasonable to assume active 'Abuse' & these are important to
try to understand.
If you feel
This
section is in a stage of preparation.
Vulnerable
Adults & Child - Reciprocal Abuses:
One example where there may be an effect of 'feeling' abused, is where
someone's 'usual' behaviour is intrusive but they lack capacity to appreciate
the effects of their behaviour. Your previous abusive experiences may make it
difficult for you to assert yourself against this behaviour & it gets
complicated.
This may be an Adult, or Child, who lacks insight into their relationships
with others and has focussed upon you and has become a 'nuisance'. Autism,
learning difficulties and some forms of Mental Health problems produce this
effect and your vulnerability & openness to others may leave you feeing a
'target' and as a consequence more vulnerable, with an increased sense of
'abuse'.
Abuse, as we are dealing with it here, is an active process which; 'Has
Intention', which may also have been forgotten & 'habitualised', has
consequences and is persistent. We can not make a vulnerable Adults, or Children
'culpable' for just being themselves, accidentally engaging with us in ways that
make us feel uncomfortable, because of our their own and our past experiences
and vulnerabilities.
That said, in addition to this accidental consequenc |
