Anti-abuse and Anti-discrimination Campaigning and Support Service

Surviving Abuse and Winning Through.

Again, lets deal with the most important points first:

This introduction is for the person who is visiting the website because of a dramatic personal experience, or series of events, that has happened to them, or someone close to them, which in some way has had a stunning & traumatic effect upon them. We will be dealing with problematic relationship issues & abuses, because of their particular urgency, but will also address the 'institutional' responses to our problems, difficulties, concerns, complaints and our  disclosures of bad, or poor conduct.

Additional links, dealing with other personal problems you may be experiencing, will be highlighted in 'Yellow', in the text you are reading. It is not unusual to find that one personal problem generates, or magnifies another. You may well be dealing with a number of personal difficulties at one time. In consideration of this we have 'cross linking', which allows you to have more than one 'window' open, each on a separate subject. Any window can then take you back to the main page; 'HOME'.

The problem you are struggling with may be a single incident, or a sudden realisation of persistent behaviour of someone important to you (or them) in some way. Perhaps someone who has abused trust and behaved against your own, or another person's wishes & interests. It may be to do with issues of 'Loss'; feelings concerning death, a particular bereavement of someone important, separation from someone you care about, a divorce or formal separation. It may be to do with how you 'feel' that you have been treated by an individual professional, organisation, or an entire community / society.

Distress can be the consequence of Loss of a job, marriage, home, innocence, trust, faith, hope. It can be due to illness, an accident and disability, problematic birth, disabled child, a pre-birth bereavement, termination, or other important loss in life. It may be because of a single, dramatic event, involving someone you know, or a complete stranger, which has put you into a state of shock, distress, confusion, or anger. Perhaps your are at a loss to know what to do?

If you now realise you have been seriously assaulted, in any way and feel confident to proceed - Please follow this: Help Link.

Note: In the following conversation, I use the term . . . Ditto, to indicate where you fill in your own details of the experiences we are describing. I am not being flippant and mean no disrespect. It is your story that is important. I just provide an outline to help you get it down. Doing this is therapeutic (cathartic / healing). Don't worry about the words, go with the feelings, the right words will come eventually.

If you are failing to go to the authorities at this point, but believe you have been assaulted, it is very important that you write facts down (or get someone to help with this) and share how you are feeling with someone you completely trust. This will be someone, if you can find them, who will not judge you, even in your mistakes, or advise you to do anything other than guide you to find out what you want to do and how you wish to do it.

Be patient with them - they come from their own experiences, they will try to understand. They will almost certainly say they 'known how you feel'. They don't, of course, but it is the closest they can get to 'feeling for you'. They will, however, have had experiences close to those that you have had. It is not as rare as it appears. Many others are fearful of speaking up. The Law only really protects its own arse in the end.

If you are still here and you are not a professional, family or professional carer, interested member of the community, student, or predator, looking to improve their knowledge, skills and understanding, I will assume you still have a serious problem that you want it sorted out, but do not feel able to progress with sorting it formally, just yet.

If you feel abused in some way and do not feel that you have been sufficiently physically assaulted, or have been seriously assaulted but do not have the confidence to go through the process of reporting it to the police, or social services, right now. Perhaps your relationships with the authorities are poor, because of your previous contacts with them were on the wrong side of them, or were just very negative experiences.

If you are in 'social housing', or a family that is challenging to the community, have had disagreements with the authorities in the past, for any reason; all these things do affect the relationship and can affect the service you get. It will affect how you feel about it. I understand that. It should not be the case and we will deal with that in more detail at another time. For now we have to deal with your problem; as it is.

Be aware, for instance, that if you are 'righteously' angry with how you have been treated this will firstly be used against you by the abusive person. Fingers will point. Remember, the abuser is everyone else's friend. The effect is to 'disempower' you. If you then get angry with the 'system' that you approach, because they appear unable to help (in the early stages particularly), you will sometimes get a similar reaction. Fingers will point, remember they are 'helping people' who 'deserve it'.

The sense of 'righteous anger' is not always understood, or appreciated, by people in authority, who are in 'control' of their role, determine the rules and pass judgment from their secure & relatively ignorant position. Some people see themselves to be there to help 'pathetic' people. According to convention you should be 'pathetic' and 'victimised' if you have been persistently battered, or abused. That is very often why you have delayed. You already know these people and institutions.

Prevention of a problem, by early intervention & help, is difficult to prove as being beneficial in the short term, or in an individual case. This is true of health care,  social care, community policing, education and housing, etc. It is difficult to 'prove' the value of something that may not have got any worse, if left to itself. It may even get better of its own accord, this can be true. It is also difficult for them to assess what problems will sort themselves out on their own and which problems just will not.

It is easier, cheaper and more charismatic (looks good) to sort out a big problem later on, once it has produced a serious impact. This is justified by making 'big' problems a high priority and and little, 'seeds' of a problem, a low priority. They may be small in the eyes of others but often big to you, of course. Some frustrated people get round this by giving the 'impression' that a problems is bigger. Actually they are often just 'telling it as it is' and feeling guilty about it, to boot.

Most people with 'real' problems actually 'minimise' their problems and don't like to be a nuisance (especially in UK). The problem is, the authorities are so focused on looking out for people who abuse the system, they become over-cautious and miss the point entirely. This all works against you speaking up for yourself. You are not naturally pushy and if you did 'pile it on', you 'know' (or sense it anyway) that someone will suss you out. It is a catch 22 kind of situation.

If you get knocked back often enough, by those supposedly there to help, you will become pathetic & therefore qualify eventually. What I am saying is; you are right to be cautious. People will prejudicially see any anger & frustration as aggression, not the manifestation of fear. You have learned to distrust & are no longer confident that you will be understood adequately. This fear is reasonable and appropriate. You are learning.

If, on the other hand, your anger is such that you contain it well and present in a cool and calculated way, you may again be judged. This can be the consequence of being pushed too far. Vengeance is sweet, they say, but the law is not about vengeance. You may also say its not much about justice either. That may also be true, especially in these days of political correctness. It is about gaining protection though. Whether your coolness is due to feelings of vengeance or not, It will appear 'low priority', (unless you threaten to do something about it yourself).

Seek that protection that the Law can offer, at least. Law and policing is there to stop us 'taking things into our own hands'. Reminding the authorities of this, record your concerns with them, for your own and others safety, asserting that you will do whatever is necessary to adequately protect yourself and others, get the issue 'on the record' and they will then seek to protect their own arses. When in Egypt; Think like and Egyptian.

So, Where are we now? Ready to go for it? Yes:
Follow this: Help Link.

Even if you feel that the assault was not significant, the fact that you are still here suggests that there is more to it. The psychological and emotional effects of abuse are serious. They are like the drip drip drip of water torture, or death by a thousand pinpricks. They are the types of behaviour that underlay all serious mental health breakdowns, including; anxieties, depressions, psychosis, schizophrenia, mania and alcohol & drug problems. Not every one agrees with this but you will see substantial evidence on this site. And there is much more to come.

Keep your sanity, loose your fear (& the noose around you neck). There are problems with the ';system' but it is not all bad. Working in it can be frustrating & disempowering. Hopefully you now 'understand' your fears and reluctance, why you are angry and defensive, why you are reticent to take action. Stop being your own judge and jury, or the other person's. You are most likely the most forgiving person they are likely to meet.

Put the facts to the authorities and dig your heals in. Don't back off; for your sake, your children's sake, other peoples sake and for the sake of the person you are complaining about. Abusive behaviour stops when we speak up and it gives confidence to others to do the same. This is how change happens. Stop the person now and they will not make further, more serious errors. You will not cure them! You have tried your best.

Most of all, be aware that there are 'Vulnerable Adult' teams in most police authorities these days. There are even Vulnerable Adult Suits. If you 'feel' that you are vulnerable, by virtue of an identified problem that you have, or, by virtue of the fact that you have become distressed and disabled by your experience, seeking to remain independent, but needing a more sensitive approach, ask to be dealt with by these trained officers.

In my experience these teams are exceptional and a real contrast to the SPG and the sadder end of the beat bobby brigade. Most police officers are there for the best of reasons, but they have to deal with some of the most distressing aspect of our society. They will be affected. Others are just like the rest of society, buying counterfeit videos, fiddling their expenses, beating up on their wives and hounding and bullying some of their colleagues. You will know when you get a good one now.

If you now realise you have been seriously assaulted, in any way are calmer & more confident - Please follow this: Help Link.

Not ready yet? I will now deal with this issue in the same way as I would do if I was face to face with you. I have been there myself (more than once), and have felt completely powerless & lacking in confidence. Not quite believing what I was experiencing & observing. Not quite sure if this was for real, or perhaps my fault, or due to a tendency to overreact to situations.

Feeling completely humiliated and powerless. Thinking maybe the situation is actually quite normal and I am just handling it badly, (as I had frequently been told). In some ways, these abusive situations are 'normal'. Abuse of some kind, and some degree, can be found in a large minority of families. Something, perhaps, we may see on TV, or films, but don't quite associate with what is happening to us, till this moment, when everything clicks into place and we know we have to do something.

This can all happen in moments. You get out of a car after a bump. The person approaches you with a smile on their face. You feel bad and guilty. It may be either sides 'fault' and, as they get closer, they become abusive, or just hit out at you. You can be walking in the park, in the evening, or at night, and someone casually comes towards you, unsuspecting, they suddenly confronts you for robbery, sex, or because they don't like the way you look. Abuse & violence ensues. . . Ditto. You are in shock and think, how can this happen.

You are at a party, or in a pub and get chatting. You are charmed and flirted with. You may flirt back. You may tend to be quite a trusting type, or just feeling relaxed because you are amongst people (that is why you are there). The evening goes well and around the time you are leaving, one of the people you have met, maybe the one you paid some attention to, becomes overly pushy, out of character with how they had been earlier. This may have happened before, in other circumstances and it gets sorted. This time though, things go badly wrong . . . ditto.

More often, these dramatic experiences are with someone you know and may have known for some little time. The charm and flirtation may extend over days, weeks & months, even years. You are made to feel important, special. It may apparently begin as 'innocent fun', but still remain in keeping with your expectations. You may even have fantasies. You may even willingly 'get into a relationship' with them. At some point it all changes and you find yourself, step by step, like looking at the situation from outside, powerless, undermined, humiliated, alone . . . ditto.

If you have been thinking, at times, that you were entirely on your own and that no one would believe you, because what is happening to you seems so ridicules, embarrassing, even humiliating. It may be a family member, or someone you chosen to get into a relationship with, before you saw their true character. Feeling guilty that you could let it happen to you, (or perhaps to someone else) without realising that what was happening is not 'normal', or reasonable, but they were very convincing.

Perhaps you were completely naive about the situation, until it was too late. Feeling powerless to speak up because each time you do a 'controlling' person finds your weak spot & undermines you confidence. You freeze in fear. The person's controlling behaviour may come and go and you have doubts about your experiences of it (that is part of the strategy). 'Other people like and trust them, why do I have doubts?'

Perhaps you even reacted badly (in your eyes), at times, or in the end, and the person then gave you a running commentary on how you did this to yourself. How you should have made things clearer. Being told that no-one will believe you, that you are being ridiculous. Perhaps there is name calling & 'put downs', humiliating remarks in front of others, threats, 'mind games', intimidation, verbal & physical aggression, destroying things you cherish, abusive about your family, slapping, punching . . . ditto.

Perhaps some of these things have been going on in a family, by parent, a relation, or a friend of the family. Perhaps babysitter, child minder, in a 'care' organisation, within a personal relationship, or even in a work situation, on a date, or at a party. Your tendency to trust makes you particularly vulnerable to these people. Perhaps these taunts and abuses are under the breath, or hidden, with a smile towards others. They almost have certainly been 'politely' putting you down behind your back.

You want to continue to trust, and you should. But, you are a target, whether male or female, straight or gay, young or old. Abuse knows no boundaries from cradle to grave. These people who do these things can be just ordinary folk, who saw 'an opportunity', (perhaps drunk, or drugged up) & overstepped the mark. It is part of their character, none the less. It may even be that you bring the worst out in them by being who you are. You may have no control over this.

Drinking, drugs & negative experiences may bring this out in people and intimate relationships can often challenge them to the point of 'triggering' abusive behaviour. They fear the intimacy that you display and naturally expect of them. If this is the case, you can not save them, believe me. You (and others) are their crutch, they don't want saving while they have a crutch to 'lean on'. You stop them by removing the crutch.

The Natural Social Carer:

Your personality and trusting nature is mainly positive and beneficial to you and others, most of the time. It makes you want to help and to be forgiving. Thank god for you being like that. Our  'social' upbringing leads to this and it is usually seen as a positive trait. You should hold onto it. If more people in the world had the courage to be like this there would be less injustice and abuse.

Be aware, however, that there are also those who have practised their manipulative and spiteful craft & are fully aware of their skills & power. You are not ready to take them on on their terms, but you do need to be a 'sheep in wolves clothing' at times. I can only advise, get out and be sure; another will suffer, if you do not speak up in some way.

Advice is of little value though. You have to see this situation as it is and for what it is yourself. You need to appreciate that you are worth more than others value you, but mostly you are worth more than you value yourself. You need to take back what is rightfully yours, your dignity and self worth. It has been stolen from you, by this person and other bullying, abusive, dishonest and manipulative people in the past. There are a few.

You should not really be too surprised about what people are able to survive and learn to be better and stronger people for it. We do not have to remain 'victims' and 'trophies' of other peoples need to have control and gain gratification at the expense of others (rather than these experiences being 'shared' with them). There are many stories of people surviving abuse and persecution of this degree.

These stories may sound grand compared with your story, but if these people were talking to you right now they will tell you they were once just like you are at this moment. Each experience in the 'story of persecuted peoples' is an 'individual story of personal abuse'. Like you are doing, they found the will to survive, once they recognised the problem and decided to do something about it, when the time was right.

The Natural Social Predator:

Not having developed these natural, caring traits themselves, the natural predator watches and learns, getting a fundamental understanding of how to present and act out, as being 'caring & considerate'; how to fit in. That is why they are so well accepted. Often the life and soul of the party but just a bit too pushy for most peoples taste. The pretence of 'caring' takes the edge off their pushiness, but it is different, if you pay attention to it. Look out & reflect upon these subtleties. They are lessons hard earned.

They also look out for the small, barely perceptible vulnerabilities in the genuine caring, considerate & forgiving person (children are naturally like this to begin with). They get among the flock. They use their otherwise quite healthy social skills to dupe and undermine others, weaken their confidence, take control & manipulate. It is subtle, but on reflection the signs are there that something is wrong about them: Intention!

The perpetrator is often someone who is liked by others and trusted, or just 'accepted' as dear old so-and-so. They are often confident and may be quite charismatic, sometime very much so, they are disinhibited in controlling ways. They rarely look look like monsters, can be raggedly charming & butter won't melt in their mouths. Sometimes they are aware of their trait from early on, sometimes they are never aware of it and move from one abuse to another, unthinking but confident.

They are sometimes in conscious control of what they are doing, sometimes they have just evolved that way and see it as their 'right' to manipulate others to their selfish benefit and at serious mental and emotional cost to others. If they do have some insight, they rarely admit it, except in boasting to other abusers, or those embarrassed, or fearful to admonish their abusive boasts.

40 years ago, I (and many other survivors of abuse) warned of the relatively wide prevalence of all these abuses, including sexual abuse. The initial reactions were dismissive, even by professionals and managers of services. As people gained confidence & disclosed, more & more others started to tell their stories. Those same professional groups, who had dismissed our assertions (of facts) then, raced to be seen as 'sexual abuse experts'; the more 'exciting' and 'fashionable' topic.

Many professionals then messed up further, largely identified everything as sexual (Neo-Freudian influence here), planting these ideas in the minds of the already vulnerable, abused people and even the minds of 'perpetrators' of abuse (Popularly called 'false memory syndrome'). In fact the waters are more cloudy than this. Some were abused sexually, if subtly at times, but the 'story' was the therapists / social workers, not the person's. It also served as a great opportunity for abusers to absolve themselves by citing \abuse (as some may have 'incidentally' been).

This undermined the credibility of 'self disclosure', by the real 'experts' on serious abuse - the recovering and recovered 'abused'. It also distracted from the equally important physical, emotional and psychological abuses (often accompanying sexual abuse). The damage done is still with us, as are the old attitudes.

Conspiracy Theories - Who invented this Crap?:

It is all a 'conspiracy theory', many ordinary people will say; having studied the newspapers; listened to learned politicians and discussed it with their mates down the pub, or in the supermarket. Professionals are a little more cautious, having burned their professional fingers more than twice, but many of them too, will privately suggest the problems are exaggerated. Dismissing the 'emotional' arguments of people who have been abused as being of the 'conspiratorial' and rather paranoid kind.

Very sensitive of the professionals (some in mental health), not understanding the slight level of paranoia that could be evident in someone who has been secretly 'screwed by a parent, family friend, or raped by a Professional, or paid Carer. Even more 'paranoid' and perhaps a little 'manic', as a result of being dismissed and possibly additionally abused, by the next professional and then, treated for paranoia, or schizophrenia, by the next (based upon multiple evidence).

No wonder some professionals are a little defensive, including the police, who can be complicit in abuse, or dismissive and neglectful when it has been disclosed and is problematic to prove. Look, I am not having a go at all, individual professionals, but you all know that the system is defensive, and expends much of its resources, protecting the institutions & its managers from 'litigation', in the name of protecting the individual. You largely comply with this, sometimes against your better judgment.

Think about the expansive Policy Documents that you magically have to know by heart, and the extensive writing up you are required to do. I will just ask you this; If you work with children, vulnerable adults, or the elderly. What proportion of your time is taken up with paperwork and administration? If it is less than 50% you are doing well. Otherwise you are some of the best paid administrators in the service you provide. Has abuse reduced. No. It has increased and is more sophisticated.

You do take your eyes off the ball. You are distracted form seeing the person's problem in their own terms. You do re-write the evidence they give, within prescriptive formats, designed by the institution, geared to give the impressions of covering everything in the institutions legal terms. You are increasingly required to do this as a 'officer of the state', with accountability to the institution and the Law, and less 'real' focus on the needs, wishes and 'actual & normal risks' of the individual.

This is often the required case, even where it is clearly against the interests of you client / patient, as guided by your code of ethics. This, in turn will increasingly, 'supposedly' protect the society at the expense of individual liberty (especially, as more enlightened Managers' describe it, if 'they' live in 'social housing'). Wake ups professionals, where is this described in your social work, Nursing and Medical Theory, or your Code of Ethics. Can you see where this is going?

Well, sexual abuse does have a 'conspiracy' element, identified by international police forces, as 'Child Pornography' and 'Paedophile' networks, or rings. No surprise then, ordinary people, as well as professionals, can be wrong. The biggest problem, though, are the 'informal' networks & 'self protecting' interests of individual's, within undefined networks, individually and publically, dismissing the problem as 'minimal', if not exceptional.

Survivor Networks and Individual Survivors of abuse, didn't propose that there is a 'conspiracy'. Defensive professionals and the Abusers themselves coined this 'conspiracy' idea, to 'dismiss and devalue the disclosures. Like in the case of so many individually and collectively  reported injustices; slavery, genocide, commercially induced poverty & environmental damage, and lots more. It is the defenders of poor practices who invent the idea of a 'conspiracy theories'.

Acknowledgement of serious, litigious, problems costs institutions and their insurers (where they can get them). No self respecting, Executive Manager, seeking to make a name for themselves and develop  their career, in the quasi-entrepreneurial development of people services, is going to 'risk' the consequences of acknowledging that:

"There may be a bigger problem than we realised, we are often culpable for shortfalls and failings, staff have identified where this. We are not geared up to deal with the problems, even if we understood them, so we have to be seen as doing something instead - writing it down, adjusting services and needs to 'fit' resources, and covering our backs, sticking our heads in the sand and sticking arses in the air". Are they?

So, hopefully we have made it clear. We don't collectively aspire to the 'conspiracy theory' idea, you do. We aspire to the; "They are all stupidly and selfishly going about their business, using the same old tried and tested ways that have always got them what they want, and relying on the relative ignorance and disbelief of ordinary people and trusting systems to keep them from being found out as lacking moral fibre". The perpetrators of abuse copy this & are doing the same kind of thing :-).

The rest of us more intelligent observers, know it is in the nature of some people, and the institutions they manage, to defend themselves in this way, without necessarily a word having to be spoken between them. They sing from the same hymn sheet and use the media subtly. They work on predictable models of behaviour, well researched and in daily use by professionals. Describing them as 'conspiracies' suggests more intelligence and cooperative skills than most of them could muster.

The only time these people really 'conspire' is when they get 'greedy' and seek to share and swap information on their victims. What were loose collections of people in the know, become identifiable as groups. This is their downfall. There are still individuals doing their own thing in secret, or more openly under the cover of social masks (working in the caring professions, or being everybody's friend).

Conspiracy my arse, who needs a special 'meeting' of conspirators, in what has always been a largely abusive society with very 'defensive' and relatively ineffectual institutions. Abusers could be doing any job and have any role in the community, including my own. In fact, they often gravitate to powerful positions. In the worst cases, their front is often impeccable in many respects. They work hard to cover their real character, individually, not by discussing it.

The conspiracy argument is a bad joke; used by those who carry a measure of the guilt, or fear, of active participation, or of culpable neglect in doing their duty

How do Perpetrators of Abuse get by then?:

So popular are they, perhaps you find yourself drawn in and trusting them. You let your guard down. Events overtake you. You find yourself in a vulnerable position with them, where you don't feel quite right. Comments and approach may be disempowering. This person now appears very different to how they had been. There is an edge to them. What once felt attractive is now threatening and sometimes menacing.

By contrast, at times their behaviour may again seem reasonable and you may find yourself dismissing the uncomfortable feelings. Eventually, often at some point where you lease expect it, having been lulled into a sense of false security, having been 'coached' into responding apologetically, and now believing that you are being judgmental, the true character of the person shows itself. You are hooked and in danger.

This process can go on for months, even years but much of this can happen over a period of minutes and hours. The end result is often serious violence, especially if you stop going along with 'their game'. If it becomes evident to a manipulative abuser that you are making a stand against the manipulation, or 'controlling behaviour', physical intimidation is often the last resort. Seek independence and the panic set in.

Almost as bad as the physical violence that ensues, are the increased psychological & emotional put downs, which, if perpetrated over a significant period of time (or if you have been in these situations before; which is quite likely), can actually feel worse than the physical violence. You have effectively been 'brain washed', or 'behaviour modified' into submission. This has general effect in response to any other person's manipulative, or controlling behaviour.

How do we get into these Situations?:

Psychological and emotional 'put downs', 'guilt trips' and 'mind games' start in childhood, from parents, teachers, friend, as well as enemies. We are predisposed to respond to manipulation. We are programmed by them. The abusive and controlling adult 'hones' these psychological skills & adds to them a host of other tricks & slights of hand. You probably know these yourself but can not bring yourself to use them with the same powerful effect as those who are 'sociopathic' & 'psychopathic'.

Please don't try & play them at their game. You will loose, one way or another. You have to 'take control' of your life and your body. You will be accused of being controlling by doing so (if not already accused of it) It is called 'projection'. They will hate you being in control of your own life, having friends, jobs, skills I influences that they will never really achieve, to their satisfaction. You have now broken the 'contract' with them.

Abusive people win a race by sneakily tripping others up, 'its a great joke' and they get others laughing at the fall. By comparison with the 'fallen' they are doing well. They can delude themselves (& others) of their competence. In this respect they are clever, in using their skills to win 'over' people. They are stupid, however; by paying attention to putting people down (and gloating about this pathetic success) they then miss the fact that the other runners are way ahead of them.

Abusive, controlling and predatory people invariably come to a sticky and sad end. I often have to help them too, when they hit rock bottom, having tripped themselves up. That is no consolation to you, unless you help the process. Get up there with the other runners, leave the sad gits behind. Stay in front and you can't be tripped. If you notice, good team players and team race drivers, support each other. They congratulate the winner.

Psychological, emotional & spiritual 'Interpersonal Abuses' like; 'verbal bullying', 'mind games', 'put downs', and 'projection', are often worse than beatings. They have a severe and progressive effect on our mental health. Experiences of bullying, inappropriate behaviour and even little, negative 'put down' comments in early childhood and adolescence, can 'prime' us and set the scene for life. They can even be presented in humorous ways & still be abusive, you may laugh along with the bully. - Please Explain!:

There is a very subtle but very important difference between the 'controlling' forms of 'Behaviour Modification' (reward & punishment) Abuse (often using 'humour' as a cover), and the loving and playful 'put downs' & 'teases', used to strengthen a child (or adults) resistivity & resolve to others manipulation (where they are rewarded for 'standing up' for themselves in some 'subtle' way and gain confidence in handling it.

Parents & other adults, who are aware of the challenges we will meet, have an intuitive understanding of how to 'counter' bullying, by making a child 'aware of it' and 'resistive to it', again using humour. Play can be used to illustrate name calling & fighting. The adult plays the bully, who eventually comes off worst by the child. Kids play these games between themselves also. In healthy circumstances they swap between being 'goody' and 'baddie. '

Where there is a 'Power Balance' maintained in the relationship, this is beneficial to preparation for adulthood. Where there is an imbalance of 'power' in this play, it can become abusive; setting the child up to loose. It has to be about intention and consequences. The adult, the older child and the more mature peer has a responsibility here. Correction of the power imbalance, from time to time, is critical to effective learning and safe play. The intervention should be a model for learning also.

Sometimes the switchover from play to abuse is sudden and unnoticed. If your guts are saying 'this is not right', your guts are probably correct. Kids may be laughing and playing, having fun, but, at who's expense? I remember, as a 13/14 year old, playfully calling a friend of mine a Jewish something-or-other. The Teacher hearing this asked; "Have you read your Torah recently?" (I have a Jewish heritage, so it it home well, but it could have been any well known religious text).

When this goes wrong, it is not just comments & behaviour of parents, but of teachers, other adults and bullying by peers & siblings. Our culture is now steeped in images of bullying, always has been, but now it is being made a virtue & entertainment, rather than a lesson in avoidance. Kids will mimic this, god help us. The impression of the media is that there are some forms of bulling are OK, if you can laugh with them, rather than 'at' them (which is normally a good enough rule).

Its not true in these cases, the current 'images' still have the same effect. It subtly modifies behaviour and gives powerful legitimacy to bullying, through the power of mass media. It is still 'programming' us to respond to certain unacceptable behaviours in ways that disempower and undermine us/others. It is also very funny and, like 'rubber-necking' at a crash sight, is fascinating. It has the rubber stamp of authority, by 'neglect'. Some adults may understand the subtleties, many will not, kid & young people often don't have the experience to appreciate this.

If you, or someone close to you, has had experiences and met people like those described, or are feelings like I have describe above and now realise that they are, or have been, experiencing sexual assault, physical assault, persistent physical abuse, neglect &/or psychological and emotional trauma, harassment, or bullying to a degree where your confidence fails you and you contemplate running away, or perhaps killing yourself (or then):

Please follow this Link & return to this point later: Help Link

3) Introduction - To Continue:

Some initial criticism of the site is already established and relates to a 'partially' legitimate complaint that much of the material is sometimes extensive, convoluted and often difficult to follow. This will be, in some instances, or some respects, because of poor writing style. I apologised in advance for that and do so again, wherever this is the case. This will be improved upon in response to your comments and suggestions, where it does not affect fundamental meaning and accuracy. These are 'open' documents and are available for improvement and clarification.

In some instances this criticism is not wholly appropriate. Some of the issues we are dealing with have a strong commonsense and emotional component. In these respect we can write in a very relaxed and frank style (and we will do so progressively). If there are clear interpersonal and institutional abuses, with direct, understood impact upon people's mental and physical health, these can be described in very simple terms, without too much in the way of ambiguous interpretation, i.e. where the causes and effect are widely understood & accepted as 'given'.
(Link to examples)

4) - OK. So, why don't we just stop there?:

Well, if you feel these emotional kind of argument adequately addresses your concerns (for yourself &/or others) and covers your own 'obvious' and adequately recognised abusive, neglectful, or risky situation, then it should be relatively easy to go to the police and/or social services, the local child protection service, or Vulnerable Adults Unit, CSCI, or other supervisory body, and hopefully get the problem appropriately addressed.

The situation you are managing 'feels' risky and you, &/or your charge is potentially vulnerable. If a vulnerable person (child or adult, possibly including yourself) is at risk and you have taken no action:

Go to this link & take immediate action as described: Help Link

5) If you are a more casual observer, just visiting the site, or someone looking for general information on Abuse, Mental Health, Bullying, Health & Social Care. If you are seeking any sort advice, or ideas on therapeutic techniques, talking treatments, complaints procedures, and survival strategies, etc. Please read on & take from this introduction what you can. Otherwise follow the appropriate links to take you to sections you are interested in.

I will not apologies for the next paragraph, those it offends will be aware of its purpose. If you are a little bewildered by it, I apologies for any confusion. You may otherwise feel that this is the end of the abuse story. I promise you it is not. Not by a long way. In your further reading on this site you may reflect and identify situations that may be having grave impacts on vulnerable people of various kinds

If you are a cynical professional, a manager of, or within, an institution, or one of those abusive perpetrators, checking out the latest 'conspiracy theories' and wishing to look for weaknesses in arguments of those standing up to wider, hidden abuses, you may wish to leave the site at this point, for your peace of minds sake. Warning: What follows may be injurious to your emotional and psychological health. Or, alternatively, stay around and watch what is coming and contribute to our debate, you are welcome, knowledge of you arguments helps us greatly.

It is rare that situations improve of their own account. Every civilised advance has to be fought for, by the sword, the gun and, by the words in combination with actions. Those who have been in these deprived and deprave circumstance and who have then tuned to institutions to assist, (believing that is why they are there) are frequently disappointed. Not so much by the attitudes & excuses. Mostly by the real ignorance of the realities of life & the effects upon people who, for very good reasons, can do little to remedy their own situation. It is not an fair & equal society.

Some would say, of the more obvious situations that; The facts will often speak for themselves, they need little further justification. In the main this is true and we will rely on the simple, more emotional presentation in those instances. You may also now be aware, however, that even in the most obvious cases of abuse and injustice, there are those individuals and some institutions, that will justify ignoring, and further more engage in and promote 'clinical forms' of abuses of these kinds. This is why I determinedly continue with logic & science.

Where the situations, and effects we describe are apparent in other nations and cultures, on a grand scale, affecting children in particular, and defenceless women in many instances, there is now (with modern understanding) usually universal condemnation. Few people, but complete 'psychopaths' would argue against them. Emotional argument is significant and substantially adequate to bring about change. But there are Psychopaths and sociopaths - I meet and talk to them too.

Where these same problems can be evident on our own turf, or perhaps hidden away, but next door to us, and subtly wrapped up in sympathetic 'justifications', excuses and convincing, sophisticated rationales. We often don't notice the true abusive effect until they go to court, or they are exposed as lies, perhaps in the press; 'You know, I though there was something odd with the people next door'. 'I realise mow that I should have said something'. 'I feel terrible, they seemed such nice people'.

On the other hand, it is also true, that some peoples' prejudiced interpretation of otherwise reasonable but eccentric, or alternative, culturally determined, non-abusive behaviour is assumed to be unacceptable and interpreted as abusive. The neighbour who is being cautious about their observations concerning others, is struggling with quite difficult issues and complex ideas and feelings. Making mistakes is easily understood here. This is why we are here. Some times we do have to think things out a bit, get advice and make very difficult decisions.

There are also mature, intelligent, otherwise family loving, law abiding individuals and agencies, that put forward sometimes quite convincing intellectual arguments which assure themselves and some others, that apparently abusive practices (in all other circumstances) are acceptable in some situations and contexts. We would contest that, even where there may be some justification in their argument. These justifications have a tendency to 'grow and extend' themselves to other situations and contexts and also give permission to others to retaliate in kind - FACT.

Our more convoluted, complex arguments (which will usually follow on from the clear and simple ones) are included to directly counter these and other, less healthy, 'special case' justifications. We at least hope to help (and to help  you) put blocks on these practices drifting over into other areas of more legitimate social freedoms, or less serious social misdoings (as they are bound, according to history, to do).

Our general area of operation is in Human Rights (As expressed in the spirit and content of the Conventions, before they are/were adjusted for national, commercial and institutional benefits). Basic Human Rights are not too difficult to understand, they come from a sense of social justice. The words get complicated but the spirit, essence, the feel of them is sound and uncomplicated. We have won them. Get used to it 'abusers' and 'jobs worths'. We are on the steps of your town halls and institutions

We are building up a range of information and advice services to provide support to anyone who has a psychological, emotional, or social problem of any kind, due to any cause. We are particularly concerned with those experiences which can be shown to have potential, or actual, negative emotional, psychological, or general health effects of any kind, or that it is felt, or shown, to to have a serious negative social impact.

We include support, advice & working strategies to Individuals, Families, Support Workers, or any involved Professionals and Agencies. This will include Executives of Pubic Institutions, or Commerce, wishing to identify, counter, or legislate and develop strategies for dealing with and eliminating these potentially abusive situations and any institutional forms of abuse, whatever their character, or degree.

This is the culmination of 30 years of wide ranging experience in the statutory and voluntary sectors (The cumulative experience is significantly greater than this). This experience, unlike many boasts, is wide ranging, reflective and responsive to individual

We are all in this together and, if we are genuine, want the same things; resolution of problems and more public understanding. To this end, the site is dedicated to a number of interrelated objectives. We want to draw to it those people from the Service User, Family Carer, Voluntary and Professional groups, who are fully committed to the basic concepts of Community Care; Person Centred, Empowering, Informed Choice and Best & Least Restrictive Practices in any personal, or public endeavour.

We agree that Professional Ethics and attention to the the person's needs and risks (as acknowledge in any way by them), should override any and all institutional requirements that tend to take us away from this basic objective. The adherence to these principle will be 'real' and minute to minute, not a nominal inclusion from time to time, as decided by any one contributor. The members of all groups mentioned will have the same status, but may have divergent interests, experiences and strengths.

The intention of the site is not just to solve personal problems but to advance & develop knowledge, understanding & experience and broaden perspectives. It is our intention to do this in ways that empower users, carers, and professionals to take direct responsibility for their efforts and obligations, independently of the institutions. Institutions are there to facilitate this independent practice, towards meeting particular needs.

We will seek not to discriminate, other than to exclude, &/or publicise, those that would do so. Our objective is to help identify any situation, or relationship, which is abusive & disempowering by its nature, or by its observable effect. We recognise that these behaviours and effects are counter to human rights and will seek to define these situations in Plain English & emotional terms and also in precise intellectual terms.

We will assist in strategies to counter, challenge, make public and expose and manage any situation, relationship, or institutional situation which causes unnecessary, or excessive, persistent stress, distress &/or potential negative health effect. We will do this, whatever the nature of the power base, executive authority, differential in age, size, sex, or creed, and irrespective of any supposed good intentions, and professional, or official status

We will do this in terms that will assist people in recognising actual, or potentially abusive situations, or circumstances. We will identify these situations in general terms and in specific detail, at least to a degree the perpetrators will be able to see themselves in the descriptions and, where. you will be batter able to 'choose' to avoid these kinds of relationships in the future and will be better able to handle the difficulties your are encountering in your current 'abusive' relationship.

Our services include conventional advice; individual and interpersonal counselling & guidance; peer group support; suggested 'social' therapeutic techniques and our variations on 'traditional' psychodynamic techniques (Social-dynamics). There is also a wide range of informative and also 'challenging' perspectives on conventional practice and existing theories, which work for some but is often frustrating and inadequate for others. A variety of perspectives is hoped for; Choice is central here!