Life is a Pantomime.Think about facing, or dealing with a personal problem, or interpersonal crisis and then read: Social Learning:We need to remember that ourselves, our families, teachers and communities, through their upbringing, tend to predispose us to being as self sufficient and independent as possible. This is fair enough. They often make a good job of it and we take it all on board. We are not self sufficient of course. Simply that; we are not, we just borrow that confidence and, if we keep our heads down may get away with it. Human beings are actually highly inter-dependent. Much of our so called 'independence' is artificial and sometimes quite dishonest (although not intentionally so). Larger, progressive organisations, (like Microsoft and Intel) recognise this interdependence, even at executive and administrative levels. Service organisations, could well learn the lessons. For the most part, our 'social defence systems' work ok for us, but during times of crisis, or after prolonged periods of stress, our underlying vulnerabilities can start to show. The social conventions that encourage us to hide these collapse under the burden of personal, or interpersonal distress (although, frankly, I would say all distress is interpersonal). To use the 'Pantomime' illustration; When our defence systems fail us, it is a bit like finding your skirt tucked into your knickers, or looking down to find you flies, or zipper undone. You are vulnerable. You have broken a convention, you couldn't help it, but others may have have seen it. They have done it too but we don't talk about it and may (if we are younger) snicker about it when it happens to someone else. Where are you in this picture? It is also possible that our pervious experiences have made us, or someone in the network of people we are involved with, almost entirely lacking in this confident 'sense' of self sufficiency, they may already feel incompetent, perhaps because they had already discovered that independence was unreal. It takes a lot of courage to be open about our vulnerabilities and it can be very therapeutic to be so, but others are not always ready for it. We live in defensive, guilt ridden societies. We say 'I am Fine' most of the time. Alternatively, our distressing experiences, especially while young (but also intensively at later periods in our life), can harden and sharpen our defences character. This can be beneficial to us of course, but there is a warning. This hardening can also make us less aware of any developing and underlying vulnerability that we have, so that we may still ineffectively 'react' to a crisis (ours, or others). These hardened defences stop everything getting through; good and bad. There are still the same kinds of social pressures to 'manage', or 'cope with' our distress. As a result, our more natural reactions are suppressed and we may not built up an appropriate support structure, or social network (and the appropriate expectations for getting help) for when this emergency kit is eventually needed. Drama captures these so well:The Pantomime extreme that contrasts these various characters are 'Bob Cratchit' and 'Ebenezer Scrooge', from 'A Christmas Carol'; by Charles Dickens. Scrooge is 'hard as nails', sad, lonely and apparently totally independent. The principle victim is his overworked employee, Bob Cratchit (along with his family). The Ghosts are the heroes here, Jacob Marley in particular. You may already have a picture of how the story goes. If not, then the book is worth reading, or you can get a synopsis on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Christmas_Carol#Plot_summary Alternatively, think of the Villain and Victim in any Pantomime, Play, Film or Book. Also consider the Heroes and other characters. There are also many films and plays that depict the positive and negative consequences of these personalities and masks. Can you think of appropriate characters, or people in you life experiences? Some of the characters are more benign, some sad and isolated, some angry, or bitter. Contrastingly, others may be abusive, negative and selfish, or considerate, optimistic and self reflective. Have you, or someone you know, ever been part of this Play? Remember; Authors and Playwrights depict these characters and you and I can enjoy, understand and visit them constantly, in these fantasies. And yet; we don't always realise that we often already understand the underlying, fundamental reasons why they are this way. We are more expert than we know. I enjoy the intellectual and scientific struggle in understanding the working of our mind and its interactions with our emotions, as we play out our social lives, with attitudes, beliefs and fears. Deep down I already know these characters. It is facing up to this and finding the right words to express it, that is the challenge. Because we are all 'apparently' self sufficient (most of the time), ourselves and others do not get the range of experience we need to manage crisis as well as we might. There is often this unreasonable expectation that we 'should' be fully self sufficient. It is possible to talk to good friends and supportive family, but sometimes this puts stresses on them which they may be unable to manage, especially in modern society and fragmented communities (or where they had been convinced 'you' can manage). We are unskilled at communicating our distress and tend to be 'defensive', for fear of the negative reaction, which our experience and our own attitude leads us to expect. Sometimes the reactions are good, but it is the poor reactions that cloud our future confidence in making the necessary 'disclosures'. In our pantomime scenario, which of us is cast to pretend; 'everything is fine', or 'there is nothing wrong'. Who plays the role of 'constantly building trust', who plays the role of 'am I my brothers keeper?'. What other roles are fitting for this Act of the pantomime? When the Mask slips:If we have lost touch with our basic survival nature and our masks have failed, we may then be forced to rely upon the professionals, community services and institutions for this support, for ourselves, our family and our friends. This often generates some 'resistance' and can even tend to undermine our 'insight' into the problems we are facing, as there is frequently an inherent sense of failure involved. You will be the outcast, the fool, the 'soft touch', the delinquent and any number of other roles for those who don't fit, have not follow the rules, or have failed to keep up the pretence. Institutions are not always very good at understanding the legitimate basis for this resistance, anger, rebellion, or the sense of failure that 'they' can help to generate. It is also not unusual to see these 'natural' and 'socially learned' reactions to the intrusion of institutions as part of the person's 'problem'. A person, however mentally distressed, at risk, or in need of help, can naturally and reasonably be angry and even violent, towards any intrusion that they feel is unwarranted and unreasonable. 'Collapsing in defeat' is another alternative. Personality and circumstances decide which. Walk a mile in their shoes! Our initial and on-going reactions to crisis and the changing stresses of life, are often 'unpractised' and are therefore often very defensive. People's reactions to us, even when we are trying to be reasonable, may also be unpractised and defensive. The miscommunication that ensues can cause discomfort and fear. This, in turn, can exacerbate the 'initial problem', magnifying it for all concerned. Institutions, like mad scientists, maintain an impartial, clinical detached perspective on people's problems. This is supposed to be helpful, but, to who? It protects the institution, not the person, the person is done a disservice. Panic can set in and confidences lost completely. The original person 'with the distress', and those trying to provide support, can end up in a spiral of conflict that leads to the most vulnerable person (at that point in time) 'breaking down' in some way and being unable to deal with any of the responsibilities, including decisions. Who is the 'vulnerable' person? It could be any, or all, of the Actors in this play. Professionals used to maintain clinical detachment but learned better ways to protect themselves while dealing with people as people. Institutions still defend themselves. That is how it is. They are part of the problem. This is the mechanism of psychological and emotional distress we are talking about. Think of your problem! Is this happening? Who has the problem? Who is Vulnerable, Who 'carries' the distress. It may not be the same person with all these? Distresses can be transferred and 'taken up', problems can be 'projected', vulnerabilities are hidden and forgotten, like an Achilles' Heal. Your society has changed to suit the institutions that govern and run it. What role do they play in your demise and in your recovery? These agencies of our society have mixed blessing, don't they. Social change over hundreds of years, has disrupted the normal community supports, the replacement is inadequate and inefficient. Our underlying Defensive Nature:Check out the Pantomime once more: Is one person helping the other 'rise up' out of the 'pit', or is one, both, or all, dragging each other down into mutual despair. The fact is, it may be that it tells us we should have stayed where we were for a while. Maybe, 'being where you are' serves a long forgotten purpose. Maybe blaming the world can be reasonable! Maybe 'giving up' has therapeutic benefits we have forgotten! (for a while at least). Why do we become depresses, anxious, obsessed, paranoid? What underlying nature may be poking us to act in some way, which then becomes distorted because of imposed conventions and socialised restrictions. For instance: We can talk about; 'fighting it is futile', 'going with it (or the feeling) and seeing where it takes us', 'letting it all wash over us', 'it's all a waste of time', 'It's hopeless, I wish I could lie here and just die'. 'recognise the fear and go with it anyway'. These and other things that we may tell ourselves (as the person with the problem and as the helpers, or observers), are quite common and powerful. They seem ridiculous at times but they have a simple, underlying message, don't they, as do other 'folklore' like statements in pantomime. The stories that speak of 'trials' and 'facing our fears' are very common. Overcoming adversity is a very common theme in literature and drama. There is a message here. This one goes something like: 'Where I am at, right now, feels like the best place to be at the moment. I don't know why, I don't know how to manage it (assuming I stay here) and I don't know how to convince others I should'. Worse still; 'I don't know how I can get their co-operations in allowing me to stay here'. And, more important, 'I am not sure I even care if they do'. Sometimes, especially during experiential 'transitions' (like loss, emotional trauma and life changes), we experience things in our own peculiar way and this feels right, but we are constantly distracted by other's negative influences and sometimes derision. Alternatively; it may be: 'I am in this space at the moment and I have a completely new perspective on things'. 'I don't have the right language to express it to others, but I know that I have discovered something about myself and the world'. 'Let me explore this'. 'Please try and understand what I am saying, trust me'. 'When you have got the message, I can come back and join you again'. This is a slightly more empowered version of the previous example. The thinking is less distressed, less negative and more confident. What others think is less important but could be useful. The underlying message is; "By all means keep me physically safe but 'let me be' for a bit. I think I can sort things out for myself with some time". It may include further requests like: 'Please don't lay your own stuff on me, I will know if you are. I don't know how, I just know it', and; 'Don't be so quick to judge, pal, part of this problem is with you', and; 'I do not know if I am right, but I sure am not wrong', or; 'I have to come up with the answer for myself, thank you'. A classic is; 'No, you don't know how I feel'. This, again, is a more empowered form of thinking and feeling about a unique personal experience. In these later examples there is less fear of the reaction of others and perhaps even a stand against them. There is a greater faith in ones own ability to 'come through' the transitional changes that events and circumstances can thrust us into. Teenage psycho-social transitions are a particularly powerful changes of perspective. These can affect whole generations of young adults, especially when these happen in more 'enlightened', or 'open minded' times. These existential and experiential events and experiences are sometimes described as an Epiphany. These are sometimes expressed as: 'I have seen the light'; 'The penny has dropped'; 'I have found enlightenment'; 'I have discovered a new realisation'. More extreme examples of 'altered perspectives' (resulting form creative altered state) include the creation of music, the production of art and drama and the creation of a radically new theory, explaining events. You may well recognise other everyday phrases that celebrate psychological and emotional changes of perspective, big and small. These psychological transformations are often the result of small, apparently insignificant events. The final part of a mental jigsaw we have been turning over in our minds for some time. Sometimes it is the coming together of particular thoughts, sensations, mood, expectations and people at the right time. Recovery from distress and trauma can be a little like this. It is difficult to plan for, it has to be allowed to happen. What other demands for self identity and for opportunity to resolve your own problems, have you experienced? How often have your own, natural inclinations been overridden by others? How many times have you taken a different path because of the pressure from others, only to regret it later? Think how it was as a teenager in particular. Reading between the Lines:My goodness, at times of distress and during altered states, how do we step back and allow this space for people, or demand it comfortably for ourselves? Should we even? How can we provide the opportunity for this transitional experience without making them/us feel like we/they have failed in some massive way? They haven't, have they? You know they haven't, don't you? Really, in your heart? You see even those with the strongest constitutions for the 'them and us' model of serious mental health problems have their doubts. That is why they argue so strongly that it is due to a weakness. But then, expressed in a situation demanding passivity is becomes a weakness Lets use our imaginations, just a while. Step outside the circle for a bit, think outside the box. 'The times they are a changing'. Why can't we be allowed to think and believe, for significant, but limited periods of time, in radically different ways. Is it because the behaviour is unacceptable. You are right, of course, but; why is the behaviour unacceptable? Is it really inherent in that alternative thinking? Or, is it a consequence of other's putting restrictions on earlier radical thinking, or more acceptable behaviours that were just different from the norm, the convention? The trouble is there is no thermometer for identifying the difference. Anything different is a threat to the established conventions. Why would people have these experiences? It could be a bit of biology has gone wrong sometimes, but if that is argued to be the usual case, why is there so many instances where the experiences are not a real problem for years, or where problem goes away, or stops appearing to be an issue and becomes, instead, part of a beneficial pattern of life. By the same token; why do we see the same features as a result of personal and social trauma, in people who have lead otherwise stable and successful lives for years? Why do talking therapies work for some therapist and not others, for some clients and not others? Some still try to convince themselves, and others, that this is because there was an underlying 'flaw', 'weakness', or secret, hidden, or suppressed feature, just waiting for the right opportunity to express itself. Sometimes they will be right. If you wait long enough and look hard enough you will find the evidence to prove your point for anything. That is in the nature of 'empirical' science (where you prove what you already know), religion (where the end justifies the means) and self fulfilling prophesies (where what you think generates what you expected). Be careful what you pray for, you may get it. Think of these other Pantomime type scenarios; 'Alice through the looking glass'; The Time Space Continuum; Worm Holes between alternative universes; Friday the 13th; Men in Black; Astral travelling and other 'out of body' experiences; The transitional power of music, art, drama and other art forms (seemingly having no immediate, biological or functional purpose). We are fascinated by alternative perspectives and the idea of parallel universes and lives. We love the bizarre and extreme experience, at least to play with, for a relatively short period of time. We loved being moved towards ecstasy and melancholy, through art and science produced by those, who are sometimes seem as 'mad'. What are we doing here? Are we taking a glimpse into a mad world, rubbernecking on other people's strange, mad, or sad perceptions, alternative realities, bizarre and extreme experiences. Why are we doing it?; To prepare ourselves for an alternative future, or for the possibility that we may visit these worlds for real sometime in the future (we are constantly being expected to adjust to change at an accelerated pace)? Perhaps these worlds are already part of us, another side of us that these dramas put us in touch with. These are ideas that arise from people much like ourselves. They are not 'distressed', they are invigorated and motivated for having these mental experiences. The only real difference between those who are identified as having a psychoses and those who are the creators of the alternative perceptions (and our own 'enjoyment' of the expression of these experiences) is the fact that we feel relatively safe and in some measure of control of the experience. We can walk out the cinema and into reality street. Just think though. Those same artistic and scientific expressions, disclosed in another time, another space, would have them locked up for heresy, sued for depravity, or treated for insanity. Would they, we, have felt as safe then. What has happened? Have we become progressively better adapted to 'difference' and 'change'? If so, is all this 'social adaptation' constructive and positive, or, is some of it a kind of social madness. Time and Space will tell, as alternative social universes cross each other and as the dice are tossed. The fact is, like all new discoveries and new perceptions, there are positive and negative, constructive and destructive consequences. The positive effects are genius and fulfilling and the destructive aspects are what they are; a kind of personal, or social madness. Thinking of your problem once more:You are in this tunnel. You may have jumped in, fell in, or were pushed. Perhaps you can't fully remember how you got there but have a vague idea. It is dingy, uncomfortable, cold and lonely there are creature scurrying around and other people wondering by now and then. They mostly seem disinterested and not particularly friendly. Occasionally there is a friendly soul who is very sympathetic but doesn't seem to have a bloody clue how you got there, or how you get out. These people come in through passageways on either side but the doors are close and locked. No one sees fit to give you a key that actually works, although a couple of visitors really hacked you off by letting you into one or other of the side doors, only to find the situation worse, or at least no better. Your attempts to pick the lock and kick in the doors have failed. The more friendly visitors are an occasional comfort but just don't seem to fully understand your predicament. They certainly don't see the grubby, uninviting and often hostile, environment that you are experiencing. They seem quite potty, ignoring the chaos and misery that surrounds you. (Have you ever been here?) At some point you have had enough of the platitudes of these kindly folk and rather than wait around for their next visit, you set to thinking. You realise that there is probably light at the end of the tunnel. But, hold on, there are two ends! You have no idea which end is closest. As you contemplate which way to go, you also consider what destination is at each end. One way may be better than the other, one may be further than the other. Suppose you drag yourself all the way in one direction, only to find the situation gets worse, you may have to walk miles, just to find out it was the wrong way. Then again, things may get worse in a particular direction but the eventual destination may be better, or where you would rather be. Eventually you realise that there is no alternative. There is a voice quietly nagging at you; 'If just you just sit around you will get nowhere. Just face the fear and do it anyway. Get up and move on'. You have to do something, you can't trust taking directions from the other poor sods that are around and you are not even sure you can trust the friendly ones, they just don't seem to have a clue, really. Anyway, perhaps it is your choice after all. If you get to the end of the tunnel you have chosen and you don't like what you find, you can turn around, face what you already know and walk to the other end. 'That's right, what have I got to loose'? It is, after all, just one step at a time, one foot forward then the other. So, what does this signify:Being in a crisis, or breakdown, is a bit like this drama. You have to sit around for a bit and collect your thoughts and feelings together. You then have to identify those who are, or who are not able to provide help and comfort and those that at least provide some company. Some people around you may make suggestions that give you a hint of what you want to do. Others, that you would have trusted, may not seem to make sense. You are in this space on your own, they don't share it. You have to identify those places along way that do, or do not, provide you benefits. In the end it is you who has to find the right time, place and the motivation, to get up and make the move, that gets your where you need to go. In some instances (if not potentially all of them), this 'moving on' can be more significant than we realise. These surreal journeys usually have a 'natural' purpose. Enter the journey with fear and there are few surprises. You may not have been here before, or you may have once been here and stayed with the fear. If you stay with the fear, you can come out with some remnants of the distress that pushed you in. You may then need to go back later; to face what you hsve avoided. Face the fear and do it anyway, and you can come through with a new perspective on life, a new understanding and confidence in yourself. Dungeons and Dragons is such a 'hypothetical', surreal journey. Even computer game designers can emulate the experiences. Do your trials, collect you tokens and move on. One end of the tunnel is takes you back where you come from, the other end is perhaps where you are eventually meant to go. On the journey, you entered this tunnel as part of a potential transition from one psychological and emotional state to another; from uncertainty, distress and trauma back to some kind of normality (but rarely the one you knew). This is at least part of the solution of the problem you were dealing with. Go back where you came from? Well you have at least had a break. You have faced the problem once and should understand it a little better. Go forward, though and you may discover a new understanding. If you are ready for it, forge ahead. There are other journeys, routes and trials, but these can come later. After this new experience you may not fully understand what has happened to begin with. That is in the nature of the experience. You will not immediately have the language to explain your experiences, especially if you go forward and gain the new perspective; you are developing new a insight into yourself, your relationships and the world. Be careful what you ask for, as you enter, and try not to take too much anger and resentment with you along the way, leave it there in the tunnel, along with the rest of the crap. The questions you ask and the approach you take will affect the answers and outcomes. What you get will be quite powerful but will be coloured by what you choose to take with you. And, you may actually get what you asked for! You have to choose the direction of your life, make some mistakes, learn from them, take advice when you feel able to 'filter it' adequately and then take the twists and turns on your journey to your chosen reality destination. In doing so you may have to climb over some of the rubble of the world you once inhabited, picking up the valuable pieces and dropping the useless baggage. You have to take the time to do this. You may decide that you can't do all this at one time. Most people do. You can sit back for a bit, or come out for a break and go on later, quickly cover the ground you now know and move on a little further. It is helpful if you are with those you can trust and can get them to bear with you. If pushed too quickly there is a risk that you just grab at the best that was available and then find you have to go back to get what you really wanted, or needed anyway. You may also forget to get rid of the rubbish, or the things that you longer have any great use for. You may tend to hold on to them, they are things familiar and once had value for you. You need time to 'let go' of them. They may be weighing you down and restricting you taking up the 'tokens' that you most need. Mostly you have to take time to identify what is no longer needed and that which may be most useful in the future. There are no absolutes, there are lots of alternative paths available, once you exit the tunnel. You have to decide what is best for you and take responsibility for those decisions. The metaphor that covers 'baggage' and 'rubbish' is not totally true but the idea of 'Garbage in Garbage Out' is quite a good one. The only reservations being that some of the psychological and emotional things we are carrying can be transformed into something more useful for the future. In their new form for they can be helpful tools in your future journeys. This is your journey, you have to decide. Personally I suggest you get rid of (or transform) anything that is negative, or is 'destructive' to yourself and others. 'Transforming' transitions are like this. These are significant psychological and emotional changes in your life where, perhaps as a result of a 'trigger' event, at an appropriate developmental time (at any age), you have the opportunity to grow, develop and mature. As with the transition from grub to butterfly, or moth, or bee, everything goes to 'mush' in the chrysalis stage and a new, outstanding creature arises from the chaos. Like the Phoenix, arising from the ashes, the original form has to be destroyed in some measure, taken back to a more elemental form and re-built into something with a more useful and appropriate form for the future. Like the transition from ugly duckling to graceful swan, you have to shake off the dependent, shy ways, along with the downy feathers, become more inter-dependent and in a better shape for the new experiences in the future. Of course, our brain doesn't actually go to mush, but the ways we process and understand the same information, does change significantly. Even if you have no religious, or spiritual affiliations, take example from the hermit when he (or she) seeks new enlightenment; Go to a safe place and inform people of your presence, gracefully accept their offerings and support, take guidance from those you can trust and incorporate this into you own understanding. Try and make the place of safety one of your choosing. Give yourself adequate time and allow the transformations to take place without fear and without negative influences of your past history, or from negative criticisms of others. Try not to take the fear with you. Go through the fears, let let them wash over you; Transcend them. Be aware of fear of fear (fear squared, as I call it), anxiety about being anxious (anxiety squared) and sadness at being sad (depression). Anything multiplied, or magnified by itself is 'hysterical' and feeds back on itself. It uses a lot of energy, causes a lot of 'noise' and gets us nowhere. Think of what other feelings can be 'squared', multiplied, or magnified by themselves in this way? A few other Points to consider:If you don't experience these mini traumas, you stand no real chance with big ones that come along. If you don't go through grief with the little losses how will you handle the bigger losses? If you never think outside the box, how will you handle the reality of the new tomorrow? How can you possibly understand the point of view of an intelligent partner, or the intention of an enemy (such knowledge is power, the power to anticipate and predict). In the modern media-centric world we often here these, almost classic phrases: 'Stick with the sound bite'. 'Just give me the bullet points'. 'Keep it brief and to the point'. 'Give me the bottom line'. 'I want just to see the bigger picture'. 'I want every 'i' crossed and every 't' doted. 'The answer is in the detail'. These are the ways we stay with how things are, refusing to change as the detail changes. Institutions are very good at that. There is no real content in these strategies (if you can call them that). Good for passing exams, getting public attention, but not for implementing practices, understanding theory, or developing ideas. The above strategies are all 'sound bite' strategies, they are there to impress, although they may have no understood substance and what substance there may be is usually misunderstood by the sound bit artist. To make something work effectively, you have to enable people to attend to the detail while ensuring they get and help create, the bigger picture. Then, having considered the bigger picture, consider the alternative perspectives and attend to the new detail. We live in dynamic societies now. The old institutions are dead, it is just that no one has buried them yet. Multicultural societies bring contrasting philosophies together. In some respects the USA had taken European 'stale' ideas and developed them further, into something fresh and alive. They subsequently became institutional in their approach and became stale in their turn. Think of how the old USSR used a different perspective on 'mental health' and distorted the concept to shut people up and keep them from influencing others. Our institutions and many professional and interest groups, do the same kind of thing with anything they can not understand. Watch China, as it takes on board and integrates the best of what the West can offer with the sound perspective they have re-gained on themselves. We have already taken on and incorporated some of their ideas. Think of how those we have alienated in the world will integrate our own ideas and technologies to re-dress the balance. Nations do the same kinds of things individuals and groups do amongst themselves. Progress is made through natural change process, not through the forced, ignorant change produced by 'sound bites'. Stop: the minimising, controlling, bullying, self protecting, self flattering, self congratulating character of institutions. Stop the: Making excuses; looking for justifications for continuing old tried and tested practices. Open up to the persistent evidence of alternative practices that produce better quality, less restrictive and more effective and persistent results. Encourage initiatives and alternative perspectives. Listen to people, even if you don't at first understand what they are saying. Look for the meaning; search for the enlightenment. Take some calculated risks and thereby avoid the 'hidden' risk that lurk in the shadow of 'security and safety'. proactive adaptability to constant change is the future. What happened to sanctuary and why was its alternative, more modern version so unattractive that you have to drag people there and lock them in it? Why was it moved to the edge of an industrial estate, or so far away from civilisation that no one outside of family knows of its existence, or potential benefits. Why does it take Law and the Institutions still take such a punitive approach to more extreme mental and emotional distress. Why do they leave the provision of services so impoverished? Is it just about the money? It cost more to lock people up in this way that to send them on a luxury holiday or cruise. It is the 'time and space' aspect that is often important here. We are often pressured to get it sorted now. Cover up the problem and lets got on with what we 'have' to do. This is often true for all involved in the scenario. The result is (if the underlying message is not listened to) that we often save up a bigger problem for later. It is 'the band aid' approach. Yes; the little elastoplasts thing and the 'fund raising' initiative. these are very visible evidence that we have done something but it can cover up a festering sore that will seep through and dislodge the 'cover up'. Sometimes you have to let the air get to it and accept the scab for a bit. That way we know the problem exists, that lots of things have contributed to it and that have to keep an eye it and on things around it, (whatever 'it' is). The other 'folklore like' metaphors provide useful perspectives: If someone has been 'dumped on', they may feel the world is against them, they may even appear and eventually, become 'paranoid'. There are Antagonists (Villains) and Protagonist (Saviours); Reactors, Defenders and Victims to the Antagonists. There are also Hero's and Fairy God Mothers for the Victims. Each person may be in their relative position for their own good reason but the 'dynamic' of any particular relationship doesn't necessarily work for any of them (at least for a period). Its about getting the right messages across and finding the right combinations of relationship to re-establish, re-gaining trust, finding the right timing, each person finding the right resolution to their particular problems, letting go the past, recognising the good side of people and forgiving, knowing yourself for who and what you are and then finding the right combinations and then living happily ever after. Fairy story yes, but also a good metaphor for what works and what doesn't work. There are, of course, the wicked villain and step mothers and perhaps there is no hope for some. But understanding the dynamic of the relationships and finding a resolution is still important to the story and to our lives. These are roles played out in folklore and pantomime. They are also reflections of real, day-to-day life. The person 'dumped' on may normally be healthily 'open' and supportive individual and meets an 'antagonist' who sees the opportunity to 'off load'. Both loose out. The recipient is predisposed to 'accept' and sees their role to 'help'. It is in their nature. They feel they are doing a valuable job to start with and tend to go with the trust. As time goes by they are overloaded and they then are to blame, they failed to solve the Antagonist's problem. Often they were not meant to, that is part of the script of the pantomime. The Antagonist has their own problems, life has let them down. They were lead to believe that there were people who could solve their problems for them, they keep searching, get disillusioned and then want to 'pay back' for the failing of these expectation. The world has let them down. Eventually, embittered by the experiences, but somewhat dependent upon being proven right (so that they are not disillusioned further), they repeatedly seek situations and victims that will confirm their established fears and reinforce the distrust. A bit of them sometimes wants to be found out, so they can be saved too. Following the Pantomime' metaphor; The intervention is brief and magical 'enough' and is gone, leaving the person to win through for themselves, often doing most of the work themselves. The intervention is substantial and effective but does not create dependency, encourages self respect and empowerment and causes the least disruption to daily life, while providing new opportunities, hope, renewed aspirations and opportunities. Someone pushed, or too eager to take on responsibilities greater that their abilities to cope (at a particular time, perhaps), can be pushed into distress and denial, this can manifest as 'collapse' (loss of confidence and ), or as 'projection' (blaming others) and 'bullying' (acting upon others). See if you can write your own pantomime around this theme. It is quite common and there can be many different outcomes. Someone can also be inappropriately restricted from taking on responsibilities (and appropriate empowerment) which they otherwise feel able and necessary to take on. This to can have serious traumatic effects on their experiences. If this restriction eventually causes some psychological and emotional trauma, it is not unusual for the person to be advised to 'take things easy' and reduce their responsibilities. This may be appropriate in the short term but actually makes the problem worse in the long term, especially if the advice caused the problem in the first place Functioning to high above our current capability can cause us problems and operating below our capability and can also do so. The tension needs to be just enough to 'stretch us', taking account of the other pressures and difficulties in our lives and the available time and psychological and emotional energy we have available to us for any particular purpose. Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean they are not out to get you! (but also; just because people are out to get you doesn't mean your are not paranoid). We are 'got at' in our daily lives. Look at the complexities of relationships, bringing up kids, employment, mortgage, parking fines, taxes, miss-spending (self, others and institutions), following the rules (some ridiculous & contradictory, some unfair), facing dilemmas and contradictions, the complexities of Law, filling in forms, dealing with debt, personal crisis, deaths, loss, crime, ineffective policing, poverty (own and others), These are just a few examples of the Pantomime of life. Do you recognise any, or all of them. Are you doing ok, do you think everyone should manage and that is it is just excuses? Watch this space Pal; there but for the grace of God and all that. You are part of the problem, especially if you don't think you are. As people start to realise that they are only 'part' of the problem they then start to look where the rest of the problem comes from, often the biggest part. We are on to you, lol :-). NB: One persons 'Passive Resistance' is another's 'Passive Aggressive'. The above is an example of 'Relativistic Psychology' - there are alternative realities. We experience them all the time and practice going into them (and coming back). Sometimes in practicing we push ourselves too close to the edge and beyond out capability to return on our own. Well; we sometimes do this with work, sometimes with relationships, sometimes with alcohol, sometimes with drugs, sometimes with religion, money, politics and sex. Sometimes for the thrill of just taking risks. Fear is the mechanism for being trapped in an 'alternative psychological universe' and being unprepared is the precursor to that fear. If you want to know your way back, be sure you understand where you are going and where you entered from. If you didn't check out the ground first you are going to have to ask the AA, your usual Recovery Agency, or International Rescue for help. Swallow your pride and listen to then banging on the hull of you wagon, or ship. We are out there looking to get to you but you need to knock back so we know you are in there. I don't have time to waste so your cooperation would be appreciated. If, on the other hand, you have been pushed into that alternative 'space' and have panicked, it is then other people's fear that often keeps you there. Getting pushed in is a bit different to stepping, or falling in. you know there is some bastard up there who is responsible and you want to get back to have a word with them. Let us help you a little. Stop panicking yourself, calm down, calm them down and step back with us and tell us all about your journey. If you watch someone else fall in, get pushed, or pushed them yourself, stay calm, accept the their reality, listen to the underlying message, though the crackle of cosmic static, belay onto something solid in our space time continuum and reach over and drag them out, when they are ready to come. Meanwhile, just be there for them and talk reassuringly, avoid giving too much advice at the early stage, trust their perceptions as being valid and mostly listen to them and get a sense of where they are at. I don't know what you think of religion and spirituality. Whether you believe in some kind of God, or some impenetrable, all consuming force, something bigger than you, perhaps humanity itself, or nothing but emptiness. One thing is for sure, faith, whatever it is, does move mountains, Whatever is out there, the faith comes from within and operates through us. Look for yours. You will know when you find it and recognise is reality, because it is 'raw' and undifferentiated. If it can move mountains, think what it can do with little ol' you. | |
